


Kingdom Hearts but it's six people struggling through an extended dnd campaign

by BloomingMiracle (Luna264)



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, and the dm because, changed rating to teen because of language, figured i might as well, fuck the police its my fanfiction, i do intend to get through all the games tho, kingdom hearts but its an internet dnd game with so many house rules, this is probably just gonna be something i do when ive got writers block, update i named them, yes i did tag the players themselves even though i havent named any of them, yknow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-08-20 23:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20236234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna264/pseuds/BloomingMiracle
Summary: Six people decided to play dnd together over a chat client, as friends are apt to do. Things get... interesting, as dnd is apt to do.This is a collection of some of the more notable excerpts of their playing.





	1. Kingdom Hearts 1, the first arc, where our story begins

**Deific Mediator (DM):** I’m glad you could join us. I know your lab hours get pretty crazy.

**Beans… Les Beans…: **still not sure i’ll be able to make every session but id like to be involved

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Great to have you

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Wait who changed my nickname

**Chicken Vortex:** I kin assigned you Sasuke. Because youre emo

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** does that make _ @Sea Urchin _naruto

**Chicken Vortex:** :) does it

**Sea Urchin:** am I late?? :0

**Beans… Les Beans…:** youre fine we were just talking about you is all

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** _@All Dogs Go To Heaven_ get in here or we’re gonna start talking about our characters without you

**Deific Mediator (DM):** We won’t.

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** you’d better not.

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Good, you’re all here. Who wants to introduce their character first?

**Sea Urchin:** i will!!!!

**Sea Urchin:** my character is named Sora and he’s a warlock!! thats the class you said got the cool sword thing right?

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Yeah. Normally they don’t, but I’m ‘house rules’ing the HELL out of this game because I know no fear or shame. You’re going for the ‘cool sword thing’, so I presume you’re a warlock of my custom deity?

**Sea Urchin:** yeah!!

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** you sent us so many notes you might as well have written a new book for this game

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Heh… Maybe someday.

**Sea Urchin:** anyways Sora likes to make friends and hang out and have fun!!

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Cool. Is there anything else we should know about him?

**Sea Urchin:** no

**Deific Mediator (DM):** We can work with that. Who’s next?

**Beans… Les Beans…:** my character is named Kairi she’s a cleric of Kingdom Hearts

**Deific Mediator (DM):** … And that’s all you have because you like to roleplay organically.

**Beans… Les Beans…:** and thats all i have because i like to roleplay organically

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Great. I’ll have to figure out what to do with that when you’re not here.

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** My character is Riku

**Chicken Vortex:** whats his class

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Thats a secret

**Deific Mediator (DM):** We discussed this about a week ago and worked it into the story. Don’t worry, you’ll all find out stuff about Riku eventually.

**Sea Urchin:** i wanna know noooooooooow

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Tough luck.

**Chicken Vortex:** my character is donald duck hes a cleric of bahamut and hes got a girlfriend named daisy

**Deific Mediator (DM):** You do not have to use our role playing game to remind us about your girlfriend.

**Chicken Vortex:** donald is the court magician at an idyllic castle in a place called disney town

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** You dont have to use it to remind us you work at the wizard store downtown either

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** my character is named Goofy he’s a fighter and he’s the captain of the guard at disney castle.

**Beans… Les Beans…:** i believe we are all aware you two are coworkers

**All Dogs Go To Heavem:** he’s got a really funny sounding voice. we’re doing this purely over text but its important to me that you know that.

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Is that everything about everyone’s characters? Because if it is, we can begin.

**Sea Urchin:** hold on

** _Sea Urchin_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Sora_ ** _ . Spicy! _

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Oh thats a good idea 

* * *

**Deific Mediator (DM):** And then Kairi phases through Sora’s chest and disappears.

**Sora:** hey what??????

**Kairi:** oh speaking of me i should get going soon

**Kairi:** dr weiss is going to want me at the lab

**Kairi:** i’ll try and pop in when i can

**Deific Mediator (DM):** I figured. I’ve been keeping an eye on the clock.

**Riku:** Shes already gone.

**Sora:** can we get back to the part about Kairi phasing through Sora’s chest???? are they not both solid physical people?????

**Deific Mediator (DM):** They are both solid, physical people. And she just phased through his chest.

* * *

**Riku:** Im going through the dark spooky portal

**Sora:** ????????????

**Deific Mediator (DM):** I’ll admit, I was not expecting you to do that, but it works.

**Sora:** okay uhhh im gonna try and convince Riku not to go through the dark spooky portal

**Riku:** Im going to try to convince Sora to come through the dark spooky portal

**Deific Mediator (DM):** _Wonderful_. Okay. Roll a charisma contest I guess.

**Sora:** ha!! ive got plus 3 to my charisma!!

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Just roll, please.

**Riku:** /roll 1d20+1

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 13 _ \+ 1! _ 14 _!

**Sora:** /roll 1d20+3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 11 _ \+ 3! _ 14 _!

**Donald Duck:** now what

**Deific Mediator (DM):** I’m just going to say neither of you was successful. How does that sound?

**Sora:** i guess that works :(

**Riku:** Thats fine

**Riku:** Hey man dont worry its not permanent

**Sora:** i wanna stick together not in the spooky portal

**Riku:** I can drive over to your place after the session

** _Donald Duck_ ** _ has set _ ** _Riku_ ** _ ’s nickname to _ ** _Designate Sasuke Kinnie_ ** _ . Variety is the spice of life. _

** _Designate Sasuke Kinnie_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Riku_ ** _ . It was about time for a change. _

** _Donald Duck_ ** _ has set _ ** _Riku_ ** _ ’s nickname to _ ** _Designate Sasuke Kinnie_ ** _ . It just seemed appropriate. _

** _Designate Sasuke Kinnie_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Riku_ ** _ . They were getting kind of sick of the old one. _

* * *

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Donald, Goofy, you two have been left a message by King Mickey. He’s tasked the two of you with finding a “key”.

**Sora:** like my big ol sword!!! :0

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Maybe.

**Donald Duck:** like his big ol sword

**Goofy:** like his big ol sword.

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Like his big ol sword

**Kairi:** like his big ol sword

**Deific Mediator (DM):** … Glad you could make it tonight.

* * *

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Sora, you awaken in an unfamiliar alleyway.

**Sora:** is someone trying to sell me something

**Deific Mediator (DM):** No, but there is a dog. He’s friendly. His collar identifies him as Pluto.

**Sora:** :000ccc !!!!!!!!

**Donald Duck:** thats the kings dog

**Goofy:** how come i’m a walking talking dog and Pluto isn’t?

**Kairi:** can i appear to Sora in a vision 

* * *

**Sora:** no he beat me up!!!

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Yes, he beat you up. Soon, you awaken in a room you don’t recognize.

**Kairi:** i role to appear to Sora in a vision

**Deific Mediator (DM):** I’m not even gonna make you roll this time. 

* * *

**Riku:** Maleficent’s totally trustworthy, right?

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Roll insight.

**Riku:** /roll 1d20 + 3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 1 _ \+ 3! _ 4 _! Critical Failure!

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Yeah, she’s great.

* * *

**Sora:** Donald!! heal me!!

**Donald:** i cast continual flame 

* * *

**Riku:** Alrighty speech time.

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Roll performance.

**Riku:** /roll 1d20 + 1

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 10 _ \+ 1! _ 11 _!

**Riku:** Alrighty

**Riku:** “The Heartless have taken Kairi’s heart, which is why her physical form is, like, chilling.”

**Sora:** “ok and what are you doing?”

**Riku:** face palming myself into the stratosphere but thats out of character

**Riku:** “The Heartless obey me now, Sora.”

**Sora:** so couldnt you just make them give Kairis heart back?

**Riku:** What

**Sora:** if the Heartless have Kairis heart and you control the Heartless cant you just make them give her heart back?

**Riku:** Uhh

**Sora:** “youre stupid!!”  
**Riku:** Hey

**Kairi:** im rolling to twitch 

* * *

**Deific Mediator (DM):** And then the keyblade yeets over to Riku.

**Sora:** WHAT

**Riku:** “Surprise! The real warlock of Kingdom Hearts who gets to hold the keyblade was ME!”

**Donald Duck:** according to my character motivations given at the start of this campaign i have to go with riku now

**Goofy:** me too but Goofy’s going to be sad about it.

**Sora:** i roll to cry

**Riku:** Wait no

**Donald Duck:** please dont actually cry

**Goofy:** i’m sorry man.

**Sora:** /roll 1d20 + 3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 20 _ \+ 3! _ 23 _! Critical success!

**Kairi:** jdsfbgakjgfsdfjg

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Okay. Riku, you have to give him _ something _. Also a big hulking beast is gonna be hanging out with him and being his friend until further notice.

**Kairi:** vision time

**Kairi:** vision time

**Kairi:** vision time

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Now?

**Kairi:** vision time

**Kairi:** vision time 

* * *

**Riku:** Im super sorry about this man

**Sora:** arent our characters supposed to be friends

**Riku:** I cast blight

**Riku:** /roll 1d20 + 3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 14 _ \+ 3! _ 17 _!

**Goofy:** /roll 1d20 + 4

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 16 _ \+ 4! _ 20 _!

**Deific Mediator (DM):** ?

**Goofy:** i’ve got an ability that lets me block attacks with my sheild

**Deific Mediator (DM):** And…?

**Goofy:** i’m blocking Riku’s attack

**Sora:** :0

* * *

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Let’s cut back to Riku now. Riku, where are you at?

**Riku:** Im asking myself when Sora got stronger than me because back on the islands we once called home I was always the one protecting him and now hes winning

**Riku:** Its a very emotionally charged moment

**Deific Mediator (DM):** A cloaked figure approaches and offers you ultimate power. Roll insight.

**Riku:** Do i have to

**Riku:** This is so obviously sketchy do i have to roll

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Yes.

**Riku:** /roll 1d20 + 3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 1 _ \+ 3! _ 4 _! Critical Failure!

**Riku:** FUCK

**Kairi:** JLBGJSBFLJFSHBGLJSFBG

**Sora:** what song should we play at his funeral everyone

**Donald Duck:** teenagers by my chemical romance 

* * *

**Deific Mediator (DM):** Alright let’s get in the zone here.

** _Deific Mediator (DM)_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Ansem, Seeker of Darkness_ ** _ . Chills. Literal chills. _

**Sora:** oh boy 

* * *

**Sora:** i cant believe this guys trying to summon my patron

**Kairi:** i’m literally so offended rn 

* * *

**Sora:** Kairis heart is in me????

**Kairi:** guess that’s why i phased through you at the beginning of the campaign

**Sora:** oh yeah i forgot about that

**Sora:** anyways i use my big ol sword key to unlock my self and let Kairis heart out

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** Your heart comes out too buddy

**Sora:** i can live with that

**Kairi:** awww you’re such a sweetie 

* * *

**Kairi:** i use my cleric powers on Sora’s Heartless to heal him back into a dude

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** You know? You haven’t had the chance to do a lot this campaign, so I’m just gonna let you do that. That’s rad as hell.

**Kairi:** sweet 

* * *

**Riku:** I cant believe our patron is a big set of doors

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** It’s symbolic. Anyways, you’re on the darkness side.

**Kairi:** i thought it was light tho

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** The boss got demolished by a blast of light but the doors lead to the Realm of Darkness, and Riku is there.

**Riku:** … Why

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** Because I had a whole way for someone to get there planned out and you all avoided it like the plague, so I improvised, and Riku was possessed so now he’s there.

**Riku:** Like physically or just my heart

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** Physically.

**Riku:** But the boss bad guy was possessing my body…………

**Ansem, Seeker of Darkness:** Also King Mickey is there.

**Donald Duck:** WHAT 

* * *

**Sora:** so what im hearing is that Kairis back on destiny islands waiting for me to return with Riku whos with the king in the Realm of Darkness

**Deific Moderator (DM):** Yes.

**Sora:** can we continue the adventure??

**Deific Moderator (DM):** I was hoping you’d say that.


	2. Interlude: The character study where I figure out who the hell these people are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Referring to everyone in my brain/notes/etc as "so-and-sos player" got, like, super annoying and long winded, so I wanted to give them names. Then I wanted to figure out what kinds of people these players (and DM) would be. So now we have this. Might do more in the future! Might not.

“Brook, are you serenading the stem cell samples?”

Brook Hamasaki looked up from her work to meet the stern, somewhat confused gaze of Doctor Aaron Weiss.

“Someone’s gotta monitor them,” She said. “And I’ve gotta practice for the orchestra concert next week. I can do both.”

Weiss sighed, amused. “Go practice,” He said. “I’ll get Ian to watch the samples.”

“I need the hours,” Brook protested.

“You can get your lab hours when you’re not practicing for the concert,” Weiss said. “Besides, it might be better for you to find some of the other performers and practice with  _ them _ . Or spend time with your friends.”

“I spend time with my friends,” Brook said. “Why do you think I was practicing my violin while monitoring the samples?”

“Put the violin away or I’m calling Ian in to watch the samples, Brook.” Weiss crossed his arms. “I know this is important to you, which is why I want you to do it when you can focus on it.”

Brook put the violin away. She’d been practicing for an hour, anyways. That was probably enough time.

\---

Dane Morrison glanced to his passenger seat at Tai Pine.

“Thanks for driving me to class,” Tai said. “I know it’s out of your way.”

“No problem, man,” Dane said. “I owe it to you, I think, for all I’ve put your character through.”

Tai laughed. “It’s just a game,” He said. “But if you’re paying us back for torturing our characters, I’m sure Rick would want a ride or two sometime.”

Dane chuckled. “Yeah, maybe. How are things going with Rick, anyways?”

“What are you talking about?” Tai asked. “What, did he say something? I didn’t think we had a fight.”

“No,” Dane said. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean…”   
  


“Oh,” Tai said. “No, that’s not happening. I think there’s this guy in his trig class he likes.”

“I can’t believe he’s taking trig,” Dane said. “I can’t imagine taking a higher math than I absolutely had to.”

“Me neither,” Tai agreed. “It was fun when we were kids, but now? I’m pretty sure my last math teacher was making stuff up as we went along.”

“If he was inventing new math on the spot, someone would have given him an award,” Dane said. “And then jailed him for torturing a whole class of students, because that’s illegal.”

Tai laughed again.

“We’re almost to the building,” Dane said. “Do you want me to walk to class with you?”

“Thanks for the offer,” Tai said. “But no. I’m fine.”

“Alright,” Dane said. “I think I’ll hang out at the campus coffee shop for a while. See you around.”

“Talk to you later,” Tai agreed.

\---

“Interesting composition,” The professor said. “Do I want to know why the colors on the apple are so bright?”

“It’s the only thing in the set-up you had us painting that I actually like,” Rick Delancy said. “So I decided to draw attention to it.”

The professor nodded. “I see, I see,” He said, and moved on.

“You  _ so _ ‘BS’ed that.” Lorraine Prier, one of Rick’s classmates, flicked some paint onto his shirt.

“Well, yeah,” Rick said. “You ‘BS’ed your answers, too.”

“Hm, true,” Lorraine allowed. “The day our professor  _ doesn’t _ believe in ‘the inherent eroticism of the curves of the pear, representing femininity’ is the day I fail art school.”

Rick flicked some paint onto her shirt. “You’ll just have to figure out something else that’s ‘inherently erotic’, like a pinecone or something. Then you’ll be fine.”

“Why are you the only art guy I’ve ever met who isn’t annoyingly horny?” Lorraine asked. “A  _ pinecone _ ? That’s got to be the least erotic thing I’ve ever heard of, and we both know it.”

“I bet I could sell the professor on it,” Rick deadpanned. “Besides, it can’t be as bad as a cactus, or certain kinds of fish.”

“You’re probably right.” Lorraine said. “Hey, who’s that guy I’ve seen you around with sometimes? You two dating or something?”

“What, Tai?” Rick asked. “No, we’re not together. I’m pretty sure he’s got his eye on someone in his computer science class.”

“Ew, he’s in computer science?” Lorraine’s entire face scrunched up.

“Hey,” Rick said.

“Alright, I suppose there are exceptions to  _ every _ rule,” Lorraine said. “Even the one about computer science dudes being gross.”

“I’ve met some of his classmates, they’re alright.”

“ _ You _ don’t have boobs.”

\---

“Hi, thank you for coming to the Wizard Gift Shop,” Jean Sen said, trying not to sound bored out of their mind. “Can I help you with your purchase?”

“Yeah, uh,” The customer said. “I think I found everything? And I’m ready to pay, but there  _ is _ a… situation in the potion aisle.”

“Oh,” Jean said. “I’ll help you in just a second.”

“Okay,” The customer said, surprisingly enough.

“Oi! Malcom!” Jean yelled. “Situation in aisle seven! Get off the phone and handle it!”

Malcom Bennett shot a look across the store, but went to go do his actual job, which he was paid for.

“Anyways,” Jean said, turning back to the customer. “I can help you now.”

“Thanks,” The customer said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the part where I explain my thought process! *hold for applause*
> 
> *silence*
> 
> Cool, okay. Feel free to skip this if it doesn't matter to you.
> 
> Brook Hamasaki - Kairi's Player  
I wanted her to be incredibly competent, because Kairi doesn't actually get to do much in these games. Also, Brook having lab hours, orchestra, etc ties into Kairi's sheer absence in a lot of these games. Brook is a busy, awesome lesbian. She loves her friends, but she's got shit to do!! Dr Weiss is a character born of necessity, and I thought it'd be funny to make his name sound similar to Ansem the Wise's (I know the W in Weiss is pronounced like a V that's not the POINT). I picked Brook's name because of its relation to water, like most of the girls in the games. Hamasaki is also related to water in meaning, and it's a common Japanese surname. Forgot the exact definition and there are probably other ones but, hey, I don't speak Japanese. Unlike Brook, probably.
> 
> Dane Morrison - The DM  
Dane was born of necessity, but unlike several other characters gets his own section because he's the DM and DMs are important. Considered having a DM who wasn't a boy, but figured that there would be a better gender balance in the games if that were the case. He just hasn't noticed :/ Picked his name for the initials. Thought it'd be funny.
> 
> Tai Pine - Sora's player  
He's a lot like Sora. I don't really have a lot to say about him. I named him Tai because my sister and I think Sora looks a lot like Tai from Digimon.
> 
> Rick Delancy - Riku's player  
Named him Rick for the lols mostly. It sounds kinda like "Riku". Couldn't figure out how to slide it in there, but I think he might be very buff and have a nickname like "Rick the Brick" or something. Lorraine was largely just a character for him to interact with, yes she is kind of a toned down Larxene. Larxene, but the kind of person I could see someone actually being friends with. Rick has that mlm/wlw solidarity with her.
> 
> Jean Sen - Goofy's player  
At first I wanted Goofy's player to have a name that started with G, and my brain handed me "Gene", but I didn't like that spelling, so now it. doesn't start with a G. That's just how life is, I guess. They're nb because I'm nb and I figured itd be more realistic if the group wasn't almost entirely men. I just can't see anyone surviving or pulling a good story out of that kind of environment.
> 
> Malcom Bennett - Donald's player  
I know I didn't do much with him but like. It's fine, it's cool. He's Chicken Vortex. He's that guy. Every story has that character who's just kind of there doing stuff in the background and not telling me what and Malcom seems to be that character this time. Side note while I was trying to figure out a surname for him I was using a generator and it rolled up "Sorra" at one point and I. Seriously Considered changing Tai's surname to that but I did not


	3. Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories, With The Beginnings Of Actual Lore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our intrepid gamers learn more about the world they're playing in, and talk more about themselves and each other. I looked up the plot to this game as a refresher for my memory at least six separate times. At least one dude is not mentioned despite appearing in this game because he had little to no bearing on what was happening over all.

**DM For The Soul:** Everyone, it’s time to intro the new campaign. Are you ready?

**Sea Urchin:** yeah but how much prep do we need? we already have characters right??

**DM For The Soul:** This is kind of a side story, so _ some _people wanted to try new characters.

**Chicken Vortex:** hey you were gonna need better villains eventually

**DM For The Soul:** I was doing fine, actually, but I’m all for a few people stretching their roleplaying abilities.

**Sea Urchin:** mal youre playing a bad guy???

**Chicken Vortex:** *******antagonist

**Chicken Vortex:** hes not mean

**Chicken Vortex:** mostly

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** my character’s on the same team as his

**Beans… Les Beans…:** yall just love working together so much huh

**Beans… Les Beans…:** anyways ive got a separate character too

**Sea Urchin:** are you evil???????

**Beans… Les Beans…:** no dw

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Im still gonna be Riku

**Sea Urchin:** will we team up finally??

**DM For The Soul:** Who knows?

**Chicken Vortex:** can I introduce my character now

**DM For The Soul:** Yeah go ahead

**Chicken Vortex:** okay so for this arc my dude is named axel hes a rogue/wizard and i made him on dolldivine hold on

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** oh I should do that that’s a good idea

**Chicken Vortex:** [axel.jpeg]

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Mal i gotta know

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Does this man have a boyfriend

**Chicken Vortex:** theyre estranged

**Chicken Vortex:** also im pretty sure hes too old for riku

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** I was not asking this for Riku i was asking this for reference

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** I had to make sure my gaydar still worked

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** [zexion.jpeg]

**Sea Urchin:** gay

**Beans… Les Beans…:** gay

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Emo and gay

**DM For The Soul:** You said his name was Zexion?

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** yeah and he’s a scientist but for like magic he’s a cleric

**Beans… Les Beans…:** ooooooo funky

**DM For The Soul:** Brook tell us your character’s name

**Beans… Les Beans…:** Namine is a wizard shes chilling

**Sea Urchin:** cool

**Beans… Les Beans…:** yeah she’s great 

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** So, this guy in a black coat appears to lead Sora and co somewhere.

**Sora:** ok cool ill follow him

**Riku:** Sora this could not more obviously be a trap

**Sora:** this man is being very helpful and im sure he would resent your distrust of him if he existed

**Riku:** Dude

**Riku:** You remember Maleficent right

**Sora:** fine!! i will roll for insight!!

**Sora:** /roll 1d20 + 3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 9 _ \+ 3! _ 12 _!

**DM For The Soul:** He is leading you to a castle

**Sora:** ok cool ill follow him 

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** Black coat man closes the door and says “This is Castle Oblivion. Here, to lose is to gain, and to gain is to lose.”

**Namine:** so its like opposite day in here ig

**Sora:** uhhh

**Sora:** “what does that mean”

**DM For The Soul:** “As you progress through the castle, you will get closer to your goal. But you will also lose your memories of what is unimportant.”

**Sora:** “do i get to pick”

**DM For The Soul:** “No.”

**Sora:** hm. Fuck™

**DM For The Soul:** Then he hands you a deck of cards and says “Use these to progress through the rooms. Bye.”

**DM For The Soul:** Basically every time you go to a new room I’m gonna have you roll three numbers and pick one, and that’ll decide what the next room is.

**Namine:** thank me i talked him out of making a yu-gi-oh card based rpg combat system

**DM For The Soul:** I still maintain that it would have been bad ass

**Namine:** it wouldve taken waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long to go over and get down and stuff

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** Riku, you’re in the basement. You got yeeted out of the void into there.

**Riku:** Funky okay

**DM For The Soul:** Ansem’s still having some Effects so I’m gonna need you to roll a charisma saving throw.

**Riku:** /roll 1d20 + 1

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 15 _ \+ 1! _ 16 _!

**DM For The Soul:** Ansem tries to convince you to give into the darkness, but you successfully resist.

**Riku:** “I will not use darkness and also you are smelly”

**DM For The Soul:** Ansem is hurt by your words and his visage disappears.

**Axel:** did you seriously just use the word visage

**DM For The Soul:** It’s a good word.

**Axel:** do you have any idea how pretentious that sounds

**DM For The Soul:** Hey! 

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** So, Sora, you’re remembering a friend you had on the islands that used to hang out with you, Kairi, and Riku.

**Sora:** :000ccc are you finally using the npc notes i gave you???

**DM For The Soul:** No. You’re remembering Namine.

**Namine:** hi

**Sora:** hi 

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** Sora’s gonna roll me a wisdom saving throw and Riku’s rolling charisma again.

**Sora:** /roll 1d20+3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 3 _ \+ 3! _ 6 _!

**Riku:** /roll 1d20+1

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 17 _ \+ 1! _ 18 _!

**DM For The Soul:** Okay, so, Riku resists Ansem’s attempts to get him to do darkness stuff again, and, uh…

**Sora:** just tell me please

**DM For The Soul:** Sora doesn’t remember Kairi anymore.

**Sora:** >>>:0000 

* * *

**Sora:** i try not to say mean things about people

**Sora:** even fake ones

**Sora:** but i dont like larxene vrey muvh

**Riku:** I feel like Dane made a worse version of one of my classmates to be one of the villains here

**Namine:** im pretty sure evans been mirrored here to

**Namine:** *too

**DM For The Soul:** Okay, first of all, Lorraine won’t answer my texts about when we’re doing our math project, so I’m justified.

**DM For The Soul:** Second of all, when would I have met Evan?

**Namine:** my fuckign birthday party where yall attended

**DM For The Soul:** The one where Evan got drunk and threw up on my coat, or a different one?

**Zexion:** that one yeah

**Riku:** Didnt you make your character Evil Ian

**Zexion:** [andwhatofit.gif]

**Namine:** :|

* * *

**Axel:** “hey namine marluxias not here you can leave”

**Namine:** “ah hell yeah bitch”

**Axel:** “im conveniently not looking at you”

**Namine:** “bye loser”

**Axel:** “id be offended but im not paying any attention to you at all” 

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** Mark just snapchatted him, his sister, and Lorraine at a bar so I’m gonna say Larxene fucking disintigrates.

**Axel:** buddy get some ice cream bc youre super fuckin bitter rn

**Namine:** also quit checking snapchat whiler youre dming 

* * *

**Sora:** i won! is vexen gonna tell me stuff now

**DM For The Soul:** Yeah, he’s gonna tell you some stuff now.

**DM For The Soul:** Let me just check my notes.

**Axel:** im gonna interupt him actually is that cool

**DM For The Soul:** Sure?

**DM For The Soul:** Just a second though.

**Axel:** ok

**DM For The Soul:** Okay, so Vexen tells Sora that this floor of the castle is based off of memories of his “other half”.

**Sora:** other half like how

**DM For The Soul:** I’ll explain later.

**DM For The Soul:** Anyways, then Vexen’s all like “I’m gonna tell you about some stuff that Marluxia is doing.”

**Sora:** “cool please do”

**Axel:** can i interupt now

**DM For The Soul:** Yeah.

**Sora: **:(

**Axel:** “hey vexen you can’t just say things”

**DM For The Soul:** “Oh, shit, hi Axel.”

**Axel:** “yeah hi uhhhhh explaining anything thats going on ever is presently classified as a traitorous action and so as the guy who does the murder over that im gonna kill you now”

**Axel:** /roll 1d20+3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 17 _ \+ 5! _ 22 _!

**Axel:** thats my fireball spell

**DM:** /roll 1d20+4

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 3 _ \+ 4! _ 7 _!

**Namine:** his stats couldnt save him

**Riku:** A moment of silence for our exposition

**Sora:** we’ll never forget you exposition man

**Zexion:** we are less informed for his absence.

**DM For The Soul:** Sora’s in the radius, right? So he has to make a saving throw, too.

**Sora:** :(

**Axel:** no he doesnt i have spell shaping

**Sora:** :0

**DM For The Soul:** Alright, then. Do you want to roll for Vexen’s damage, or should I?

**Axel:** /roll 8d6

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled _ 5 _ \+ _ 3 _ \+ _ 6 _ \+ _ 4 _ \+ _ 5 _ \+ _ 4 _ \+ _ 4 _ \+ _ 3 _ ! _ 34 _!

**DM For The Soul:** And, uh… That would have got him even if he’d been at full health. I think he’s irrevocably dead now.

**Axel:** thats his personal problem

**Sora:** “hey! you killed exposition man!”

**Axel:** “yeah but youll notice i didnt kill you”

**Sora:** “fight me!!”

**Axel:** “buddy one of us is out of spell slots and its not me” 

* * *

**Riku:** I cant believe you just made me fight my own clone

**Riku:** Again

**DM For The Soul:** He’s _ called _ a _ Replica _.

**Riku:** How is that any different from a clone

**DM For The Soul:** Because shut up. Shut up is why.

**DM For The Soul:** Also he’s, like, super injured.

**Sora:** :0 new riku!! i was gonna make friends with him!!

**Riku:** I was kind of hoping to make friends with him as well actually

**DM For The Soul:** He doesn’t want to be friends at this time 

* * *

**DM For The Soul:** Sora, Namine, you get to see each other again.

**Namine:** “whats poppin”

**Sora:** “i was about to get exposition but then axel killed the exposition man”

**Axel:** are you still upset about that

**Axel:** you know were gonna get an infodump at the end thats how this works

**DM For The Soul:** I hate to admit it but he’s right. I’m desperate for you all to know my lore.

**DM For The Soul: **Oh, also! Before I forget.

** _DM For The Soul_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Marluxia_ ** _ . Hooray! _

**Sora:** :0 

* * *

**Marluxia:** And then Marluxia takes Namine prisoner

**Sora:** :0

**Namine:** i make one crap roll and im a prisoner again huh dane

**Marluxia:** That was at least five crap rolls, Brook. I don’t know what’s up with Dicebot.

**Namine:** im cursed

**Sora:** im gonna hack dicebot to make it give us better rolls

**Marluxia:** That is literally cheating????? 

* * *

**Sora:** this dude has another form??

**Marluxia:** Yes.

**Sora:** dude 

* * *

**Sora:** dude???????

**Namine:** this had better be the last form or im filling your shoes with soda

**Marluxia:** You wouldn’t.

**Namine:** if you do another form youre gonna find out 

* * *

**Sora:** so my memories are fucked up huh

**Marluxia:** Yeah, a bit.

**Namine:** sorry

**Namine:** _@Marluxia_ let me fix it

**Marluxia:** I’ve sent you the notes on what fixing that is gonna take, in universe.

**Sora:** whats the news doc

**Riku:** Doctor is on the very short list of things that Brook is not

**Namine:** ok so

**Namine:** “are you prepared to nap my dude”

**Sora:** wh

**Sora:** “what”

**Namine:** “youve gotta sleep for a whooooool e year while i fix your heart”

**Namine:** memory

**Namine:** whatever

**Sora:** oh dang alright then

**Sora:** snnnnnzzzzz ig

**Namine:** FUNKY 

* * *

**Riku:** Time to beat up Ansem seeker of being a bastard

**Marluxia:** Should I change my nickname for this fight, do you think?

**Namine:** maybe

** _Marluxia_ **_has set __their nickname to _ ** _Ansem, Seeker of Being A Bastard_ ** _ . C’est la vie. _

**Namine:** so this is how its gonna be huh 

* * *

**Ansem, Seeker of Being A Bastard:** Hey, so, do you all want to do a bit where you’re _ all _ in the Organization?

**Ansem, Seeker of Being A Bastard:** To bridge the year where Sora’s, like, asleep. Check up on some old NPCs. Introduce some new ones.

**Riku:** Oh, you’ve got more?

**Ansem, Seeker of Being A Bastard:** You fool. You absolute buffoon. I always have more NPCs.

**Zexion:** my guy is dead

**Zexion:** what am i supposed to do

**Namine:** maybe you could make a character that is not an evil version of my cousin/labmate

**Namine:** maybe that is a possibility

**Axel:** yeah jean

**Zexion:** i explicitly asked him and he said it was ok so :/

**Sora:** who would i be in evil land

**Ansem, Seeker of Being A Bastard:** _@Namine_ I think you should explain your backstory now so everyone who wasn’t playing a Nobody this game knows what’s up with that.

**Namine:** oh right

**Namine:** ok so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might do another character study on the players here next idk. I think itd be fun to switch back and forth but maybe not.
> 
> Also yeah as much as I love joking about Kingdom Hearts II, the third one, I think it's gonna be the fourth arc/campaign/whatever they do just for coherency reasons. Days is gonna happen first for the purposes of these shenanigans.


	4. I do another character study, but I got in A Mood during part of when I was writing it, and the last bit was written at 12:30am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation between Brook and Tai, a conversation between Dane and Rick, and a conversation between Jean and Malcom.

“I drew everyone’s characters, by the way,” Brook said. “For all three arcs. Thanks for the descriptions and dollmaker pictures, the references helped.”

“Oh, sweet!” Tai said. “Can I see mine?”

Brook nodded, and passed him the whole bundle. “That’s everyone’s.”

“Wow,” Tai said. “Brook, how are you this good at stuff?”

“I sleep, like, five hours a night,” Brook said. “At best.”

“That’s not healthy,” Tai said.

“I have responsibilities,” Brook argued.

“It’s still-- hey, are these the new characters?” Tai paused on a page, setting the rest of the paper aside.

Brook nodded. “Mhm. I’ve got references for the NPCs, too, but I haven’t drawn most of them. Just a couple sketches of the more interesting ones.”

“Cool,” Tai said. “When do you find time to do all these?”

“Helps me pay attention in class.” Brook shrugged. “And, you know. Five hours of sleep.”

“I’m getting you some nyquil.”

“I don’t have allergies,” Brook said. “Nice thought, though.”

“Why’s my guy so short?” Tai kept leafing through the papers Brook had handed him. “He looks like an infant compared to everyone else.”

“Well, he’s fourteen, basically,” Brook said. “That’s basically the same thing. Also, everyone’s references had about those proportions in comparison.”

“I wasn’t that much shorter at fourteen than I am now,” Tai said. “Neither was anyone else we know.”

Brook shrugged. “It’s a magical fantasy world,” She said. “I guess once you hit a certain ‘adult’ marker you double in height.”

“Mm,” Tai said. “I’m still surprised we got Rick to make a new character for this arc. I thought for sure he’d insist on sticking with Riku.”

“Yeah,” Brook laughed. “I wonder how Dane convinced him to change his mind.”

“It’s a mystery,” Tai agreed. “I’m also kind of wondering why you’re playing a dude this time. It’s usually not your thing.”

“Wanted to try it,” Brook said. “Push myself a little, you know?”

“Brook,” Tai said. “If you’re not at your limits already, I’m not sure you have any.”

She laughed, a little. “I’ve got limits,” She said. “Besides, if I _ can _ reach a certain level, why _ shouldn’t _ I?”

Tai bit his lip. “Hey, Brook,” He said. “Remember when I dropped out for a year?”

“Yeah,” Brook said. “You were sick, weren’t you?”

“I worked too hard,” Tai said. “That’s why I was sick.”

“I’m not gonna get sick, Tai, I promise,” Brook said. “I know my limits. I’ll be fine.” She checked her watch. “Oh, I’ve got to get to class. See you later!”

Tai passed her back her drawings and watched her as she ran off.

“Yeah,” He said. “I thought I knew mine, too.”

\---

“Our project is due tomorrow and she hasn’t communicated with me at all,” Dane sighed, slumping over the cafe table. “What’s with that?”

“Dunno,” Rick said. “We don’t talk about what happens outside of art much. I couldn’t tell you what her schedule’s like.”

“Free enough to get drunk off her ass on Mark’s snapchat story.”

“Fair enough,” Rick said. “Our art class has a group chat for homework and memes and stuff, do you want me to call her out on it?”

“Call her out how?”

Rick did something on his tablet for a few moments and showed it to Dane. The result was… obviously from a template, and read “My Boy Dane On The Group Project Looking For Mathe” over a deep fried image of a frog on a toy train.

“This is the worst meme I’ve ever seen,” Dane said. “Absolutely at her with that.”

Rick nodded, and did so. “Anyways, besides that, how are you doing?”

“Just _ peachy _,” Dane said. “My parents are trying to help me transition into a fully independent adult life, you know?”

“Impossible, but that’s what we’re for,” Rick said. “What is it this time?”

“I’ve got to get a job,” Dane said. “They’re kicking me off the family phone plan.”

“Tai, Brook and I have room for one more on our plan,” Rick said. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind giving you the spot. And, yeah, we’d appreciate it if you paid a portion of it, but job hunting is hard in this day and age. It’ll be cheaper than getting your own, anyways.”

“You lot are too good to me.” Dane pushed himself upright.

“Don’t say that yet, it’s not set in stone.”

“Hey, do you think that the wizard store is hiring?” Dane whipped out his phone, winced at the charge, and began to type. “Maybe I could work with Mal and Jean.”

“Would the three of you get _ any _ work done?” Rick asked.

“The two of them manage,” Dane said. “I doubt I’d be _ that _ disruptive.”

“My entire art class group chat is in an uproar because of you,” Rick deadpanned.

“You _ offered _.”

\---

Jean paced back and forth in the break room of the wizard store.

“What’d you do, eat Connecticut?” Malcom asked. “You’re seriously going at it, there.”

“I think something’s wrong with my roommate,” Jean said. “He missed his turn at the dishes last night.”

“Really?” Malcom sighed. “You’re fussed about _ that _?”

“Says the guy who legally changed his name to remove the second ‘L’!” Jean said. “Look, Max’s meticulous, alright? He _ never _ misses his turn at _ anything _.”

Malcom glared at them for a moment, but then his expression softened. “Maybe he was just tired, Jean. People get tired.”

“But Max does his part,” Jean said. “More regularly than the rest of us, I just… I’m worried about him.”

“More regularly than _ you _?” Malcoms eyebrows shot up. “Now I get why you’re worried. Can you ask him about it?”

“He ignores his problems more than _ Brook _ does,” Jean said. “When we first moved in, he’d had a broken wrist for a week, and he insisted he didn’t have to go to the hospital.”

“Did he _ know _ it was broken?”

Jean shrugged. “I mean, it’s not like it had an extra bend in it? But _ still _.”

“Fair enough, I guess.” Malcom pulled out his phone and started tapping away. “Hey, did you hear about that costumed individual going around committing vigilante justice? Never would have thought something like that’d happen around _ here _.”

“Huh?” Jean stopped in their tracks, thrown by the change of topic. “Oh, yeah, I heard. Allen said he’s got, like, a six pack. Like, he’s shredded.”

“I mean, the news says he lifted a car,” Malcom said. “And he wasn’t even, like, particularly bothered, emotionally. So, no adrenaline.”

“That is _ so _ weird,” Jean said. “Are people just getting progressively buffer? Is that what’s happening? Are we at the stage where this random strong person can put on a costume and play at being Superboy now?”

“Superman,” Malcom said, idly.

“No, Superboy,” Jean said. “He’s the one who can’t fly sometimes, depending on the run.”

“Nerd,” Malcom said.

“Nerd,” Jean said back.

“It’s probably just a random person, anyways,” Malcom said. “Might even be some sort of set-up, you know? Like, wires on the car, or whatever.”

“Come on, Mal,” Jean said, raising an eyebrow. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“In my locker with the rest of my things,” Malcom answered dryly. “No personal effects during work hours, you know.”

“Like your phone?”

  
“Like your _ face _.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fun times with the gang! And by fun, I mean... I don't know. It looks like there's a plot now? For the player universe? Which I was NOT planning at ALL when I started this but. yknow.
> 
> I also binged a reread of a comic I like. It's called All Night Laundry and I finished it up before finishing this chapter. I sure hope all of my favorite characters are going to escape the whole thing with the universe having, uh, exploded. That's a thing. I wonder if I could make an All Night Laundry AU with the Kingdom Hearts characters.
> 
> It's coming up on one in the morning! I'm mashing interests together like the sun won't rise! Perhaps it won't! It probably will, though.


	5. In Which We Go Through The Game Where The Title Is Pronounced Out Of Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang commits crimes together. I try to figure out how much of the plot I actually have to include and come to no actual conclusions. We make fun of weaker aspects of the game's development.

**DND Time:** [link]

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** hey fuck you though.

**DND Time: ** I can’t believe this. It took me _ hours _ to find the _ perfect _ song to express my _ undying devotion _ to you people.

**All Dogs Go To Heaven: **it did not.

**DND Time:** And yet, here you are, _ jettisoning my gift _. Unbelievable.

**Sea Urchin:** its a nice song???

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** and it will be stuck in your head for an eternity, and then you will understand my rage.

**Sea Urchin:** ive heard it before its peppy

**Beans… Les Beans…:** im not clicking that

**Beans… Les Beans…:** thats a rickroll im sensing with my magic bard powers i have now

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** by which you mean watching my reaction.

**Beans… Les Beans…:** yes

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** You aren’t immune to rickrolls by now

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Weak

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** shut your hot topic employee ass not all of us clock into the ninth circle of hell every weekday.

**Chicken Vortex:** yeah just the fifth

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** exactly

**Sea Urchin:** are we gonna do dnd stuff today or

**DND Time:** We are going to do DND stuff today. Who wants to introduce their characters first?

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** [image.png]

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** this is my guy Luxord he has a gambling problem and is middle aged. hes a rogue/bard because dane let me cross class.

**Sea Urchin:** hes got a beard and looks like an authority figure

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** he’s number 10 and would rather play poker than have respoinsibilities.

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** *responsibilties

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** fuck.

**Sea Urchin:** its ok we understand!!

**Chicken Vortex:** im axel again

**Beans… Les Beans…:** neato

**Beans… Les Beans…:** my turn

**Sea Urchin:** ok

**Beans… Les Beans…:** [demyx.png]

**Beans… Les Beans…:** this is Demyx hes number 9 and hes a bard

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** So weve got a rogue a bard and a rogue/bard

**Beans… Les Beans…:** i do what i want

**Sea Urchin:** which is everything

**Beans… Les Beans…:** yes

**DND Time:** Who’s introducing their characters next?

**Sea Urchin:** i will!!

**Sea Urchin:** [image.jpeg]

**Sea Urchin:** this is Roxas!! hes Soras nobody and hes also a warlock of kingdom hearts

**Sea Urchin:** hes number 13

**Chicken Vortex:** he doesnt look like sora very much

**Sea Urchin:** well Namine doesnt really look like Kairi

**Sea Urchin:** besides he was made at the same time as namine so brook and i decided he should like kind of like her

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** what does Namine look like again?

**Beans… Les Beans…:** [namine.png]

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** cool thanks.

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** yeah i guess that makes sense.

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** _@DND Time_ why didn’t you let me be Rikus nobody

**DND Time:** When would Riku have gotten a Nobody?

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Maybe he got possessed or something idk

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Maybe that might have caused his heart to be yeeted from his physical form and manifest somewhere else leaving his body without it and creating a nobody idk

**DND Time:** Well, you already made a different character. Do you really want us to stop and go through and change everything it would take for us to incorperate Riku’s Nobody?

**Beans… Les Beans…:** if you do im stealing your shoes to check for bacteria samples just fyi

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** You know what I think I’ll stick with Xemnas

**DND Time:** Great! Tell us about him.

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** He is your boss a wizard

**All Dogs Go To Heaven:** he’s WHAT

**Chicken Vortex:** dane why are you letting him do that

**Beans… Les Beans…:** is this seriously what it took to get you not to play Riku again

**Sea Urchin:** hey Rick??????????

** _Designate Sasuke Kinnie _ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Xemnas_ ** _ . How exciting! _

* * *

**Demyx:** did you forget to make girls

**Demyx:** did you forget to make more girls

**Roxas:** yeah Larxenes like the only girl here

**Luxord:** doesn’t she die? 

* * *

**DND Time:** Okay, so, it’s about a week after Roxas has joined the Organization and you’re all gathered again.

**Axel:** i wave hello at roxas

**Roxas:** i wave hello at axel

**Xemnas:** “Hello everyone I have found a new child warlock who is also going to kill things for us please welcome number 14”

**Demyx:** can i get the crowd to cheer

**DND Time:** Y’all literally aren’t supposed to be feeling things.

**Demyx:** but can i 

* * *

**Roxas:** can number 14 be my friend

**Axel:** and have a name maybe

**DND Time:** Hell yeah, she can. 

* * *

**DND Time:** Number 14 takes off her hood and she looks like this.

**DND Time:** [image.png]

**Roxas:** :0 new sister!!

**DND Time:** She tells you her name is Xion and she’s happy to be your friend.

**Roxas:** :))))))) !!!!!

**Demyx:** wait whats her original name then

**Axel:** considering the rules itd have i o and n and nothing else

**Luxord:** ion?? oni???? nio????

**Roxas:** Noi

**Demyx:** Oin

**Axel:** ino

**Luxord:** i think that’s every possibility.

**Axel:** isnt oin one of the dwarves from the hobbit

**Demyx:** this mystery will haunt us until our dying days

**Xemnas:** Literally it will not 

* * *

**DND Time:** Hey Roxas, guess what?

**Roxas:** i dont like how you said this while im trying to finish up my mission i do for my job

** _DND Time_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Coma Time_ ** _ . Spicy! _

**Coma Time:** Guess what time it is, Roxas.

**Roxas:** dude

**Demyx:** the partys going hard i see 

* * *

**Luxord:** “look i know Xaldin’s ex wife blocked his number but i think he’s being a bit dramatic about it.”

**Demyx:** “yeah shes got every right to block his number they got divorced before he was a nobody”

**DND Time:** I am not doing anything with the “Xaldin’s Ex Wife” subplot you lot made up

**Axel:** what if xaldins ex wife is soras mom

**DND Time:** I’m not doing anything with this.

**Axel:** what if xaldins been soras dad all along

**DND Time:** I have no dramatics planned for this.

**Roxas:** Sora has three moms

**Demyx:** an icon whom we stan

**Xemnas:** After she divorced Xaldin one of Soras moms met the other two and the three are very happy together

**DND Time:** You all have fun I’m going to take a ten minute break and hope you’re done with this when I get back. 

* * *

**Roxas:** can i wake up now

**DND Time:** Yes. There are sea shells on your bed, one for each day you’ve been asleep.

**Roxas:** im gonna roll to cry

**Roxas:** thats so sweet who did this

* * *

**Roxas:** did we meet this DiZ fellow i forgot

**Demyx:** well in any case he knows Namine

**Luxord:** i thought he showed up at the end there but i forgot what he did. 

* * *

**Demyx:** “yeah so like everyone who went to castle oblivion is dead :/”

**Roxas:** “WHAT”

**Roxas:** isnt Axel alive hold on

**Axel:** yeah but you dont know that yet

**Roxas:** ok

**Roxas:** “:((((((((“ 

* * *

**Axel:** “i lived bitches”

**Luxord:** “you shouldn’t say words like that in front of children.”

**Roxas:** :|

**Demyx:** dude your character is like 14

**Roxas:** 14 year olds know swear words

**Roxas:** Roxas knows the fuck word

**Xemnas:** Larxene probably taught him all the swear words before she went off to castle oblivion

**Axel:** it just wasnt important to the story so we didnt include it clearly

**DND Time:** This is… not out of character. 

* * *

**DND Time:** Who wants a cutscene?

**Luxord:** ok can we make fun of whoever’s in it?

**DND Time:** I mean, it’s supposed to be dramatic, but I don’t know how I’d stop you.

**Demyx:** booyah 

* * *

**Roxas:** why is Riku being mean to Xion???

**Demyx:** _@Xemnas_ did you approve this

**Xemnas:** At the time I was expecting Xion to be less lovable and now I feel bad about it

**Roxas:** HOW were you expecting Xion to be less lovable

**Xemnas:** It is because I am a fool

* * *

**DND Time:** So. Xion’s missing.

**Axel:** i am personally offended

**Roxas:** how could you do this to us

**DND Time:** She’s angsting.

**Roxas:** how could you do this to her

* * *

**Axel:** so this xigbar guy

**DND Time:** Yes?

**Axel:** hes number two

**DND Time:** Yes.

**Axel:** he acts like a dad

**DND Time:** A bit, I suppose.

**Axel:** does he have any kids and have we met them

**DND Time:** His backstory gets to remain vague unless you convince him to open up to you, which I will tell you flat out will be difficult.

**Axel:** he DOES have kids

**Xemnas:** They’re the ducks that sell items to Sora Donald and Goofy

**DND Time:** Absolutely not. 

* * *

**DND Time:** So, Xion’s original name was No i. She was an imperfect replica of Sora that mostly took her form from Sora’s memories of Kairi. However, she also looked different to everyone depending on their relationship with her.

**Roxas:** so what im hearing is that she and Roxas ARE siblings

**DND Time:** Sure. 

* * *

**Roxas:** ok so

**Roxas:** Roxas has been repeatedly lied to

**Roxas:** one of his two best friends who is his sister is officially missing and a traitor to the organization apparently

**Roxas:** and he has no memories of before he was a nobody and meanwhile like everyone else does

**DND Time:** Yes.

**Roxas:** [defectiontime.png]

**Demyx:** i love how you made a meme to say your character was going to defect

**Xemnas:** I made the meme for him

**Xemnas:** With my meme expertise

**Roxas:** also because i didnt feel like downloading a program onto my phone

**Xemnas:** Also that 

* * *

**DND Time:** Roxas, I have good news and I have bad news.

**Roxas:** whichever order makes sense ig

**DND Time:** The good news is that Xion is here.

**Roxas:** !!!

**DND Time:** The bad news is that she’s been reprogrammed, looks like Sora, and is going to try to absorb you.

**Axel:** oh that is bad news

**Luxord:** hey that’s our boy though. 

* * *

**Roxas:** i cant believe you made me absorb my sister

**DND Time: **That was planned out relatively early and I couldn’t think of another ending that didn’t feel kind of forced, honestly. We’ll have to figure out what to do with her heart.

**Roxas:** so what now??

**DND Time:** Well, you’ve inherited her keyblade. You have two now.

**Roxas:** oh worm???? 

* * *

**Xemnas:** I want to be Riku again

**DND Time:** You know what happens next, right?

**Xemnas:** Yes but the closer we get to it the less I want to be hands off about that part of his character arc

**DND Time:** Well… if you want to…

** _Xemnas_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Riku_ ** _ . The old one? Broke. The new one? Bespoke. _

* * *

**Roxas:** seriously though now what

**DND Time:** You see Riku. He’s dressed how I described him in Xion’s angst cutscene.

**Roxas:** “hey whats your name”

**Riku:** “I’m Riku I’m here to take you to Sora”

**Roxas:** “whats a Sora”

**Riku:** “You gotta fuse”

**Roxas:** “what”

**Riku:** “you gotta” 

* * *

**DND Time:** What’s Riku’s health at?

**Riku:** Like two

**Roxas:** im at like ten

**Roxas:** “hey maybe you can stop trying to kidnap me mayb??”

**Riku:** “No im just gonna use the powers of darkness a little bit”

**Roxas:** “bro” 

* * *

**Roxas:** the powers of darkness are dangerous and also cheating

**Riku:** Yeah but I won

**DND Time:** Your last few resistance rolls cut it a little close there, huh?

**Riku:** [andwhatofit.gif]

**DND Time:** Using the powers of darkness has altered your appearance. You look like Ansem, Seeker of Darkness.

**Riku:** Hm

**Riku:** Fuck

**DND Time:** Also, DiZ is here.

**Riku:** I’m gonna put my hood up so he doesn’t see me looking like the seeker of being a bastard

**DND Time:** Cool, cool. He wants you to please tell him your name, already.

** _Riku_ ** _ has set their nickname to _ ** _Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard_ ** _ . Deadly precision. _

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “It’s me Ansem”

**DND Time:** DiZ thinks that’s funny and asks you to bring Roxas where him and Namine have been hanging out so they can prepare to fuse him with Sora.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “Ok lol” 

* * *

**Roxas:** so next game im Sora again

**DND Time:** Yeah.

**Roxas:** i was wondering if i could cross class him into cleric?? i thought Kairi turning him back into a dude was pretty neat

**DND Time:** I mean… I guess?

**Demyx:** thatll be neat

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** Oh we’re cross classing on our main characters now?

**DND Time:** I’m not going to stop you but please consider my overall health if you do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick can't be rickrolled because he hears it about three times a day due to the hellish whims of his manager at hot topic. Tai can't be rickrolled because he genuinely and unironically likes the song. Brook can't be rickrolled because she doesn't click on links. This is definitely the true foundation of their friendship.
> 
> Also! I spent, like, ALL of yesterday in bed. It was not as fun as it sounds. I spent most of today in bed, too, but TODAY it was a CHOICE.


	6. Interlude: College is a prime setting for shenanigans to occur and I don't know why so many stories focused on school take place in high school instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brook and Malcom discuss purchases and the affording thereof. Tai and Jean go to the park. Dane finally gets to work on his math project. Rick fails at performing an intervention.

Malcom leaned over onto the table and sighed heavily.

“Something up?” Brook didn’t look away from her homework.

“I can’t figure out what to get Lily for our anniversary,” Malcom said. “I told her I was getting her a really good gift, but…”

“Mm,” Brook said. “I don’t think I’ve met Lily. What does she like?”

“She’s got about ten fish tanks,” He said.

“They all have little boats?”

“They’re all themed after, like, elements,” He said. “But specifically the ones from the fourth season of Digimon.”

“Do they have the digimon in them?” Brook asked.

“Some of them,” He said. “She’s got the water one, the plant one, and the fire one. The fire one hangs out on top of the tank instead of in it, though.”

Brook nodded. “Makes sense. He’s a fire one. How much do those figures cost?”

Malcom pulled out his phone and checked. “I can afford  _ one _ ,” He declared. “One of the ones from the set she’s using. If I eat ramen for a  _ month _ .”

“Expensive hobby,” Brook said.

Malcom nodded.

“Well, if you buy her one of those, my mom makes good soup. You could come over on soup night.”

“I can come over on soup night?” Malcom asked, popping upright.

“You can come over on soup night,” Brook said. “My mom wants to meet my friends, anyhow.”

“Hell yeah, I’ll come over on soup night,” Malcom said, purchasing one of the figures. “I fucking love soup.”

“Nice, I’ll let her know,” Brook said. “Soup night is Wednesdays.”

“New favorite day of the week,” Malcom declared.

“Now you understand why  _ I _ like Wednesdays so much,” Brook agreed.

\---

“Got everything?” Tai asked.

“Yeah,” Jean said. “I’ve got everything.”

“That’s camera, jacket, extra jacket just in case--”

“Boots, flashlight, hat, dinner,” Jean finished. “Seriously, I’ve got it. I’ve been a photography major for two years.”

“Yeah,” Tai said. “But you know the  _ one _ time we  _ don’t _ check is the time you  _ do _ forget something.”

“Yeah, fair enough,” Jean allowed. “Hey, do you want to come along? I’ve got extra dinner.”

Tai considered that for a few moments. “Sure, sounds fun,” He said finally. “Let’s go.”

The pair walked to the park, and Jean began to snap pictures of everything in the sunset light.

Eventually, someone walked up to them.

“Hi,” The person, masked and otherwise indistinguishable said. “I’m robbing you.”

“No, you’re not,” Jean said.

A pause.

“What?” The masked person asked.

“You’re not robbing us,” Jean said. “It would be incredibly rude, first of all, not to mention the fact that I’m presently on my fifteenth year of self defense courses. So…”

“I have a knife,” The masked person said, pulling out a knife.

“You think I don’t know what to do when someone draws a knife on me?” Jean asked.

“I’m pretty sure the answer to that one is ‘run’,” Tai said.

Jean snapped a picture of the masked person. At some point, the flash on the camera had been turned on.

Another person drop kicked the masked robber. That person, too, was wearing a mask.

“I had it handled,” Jean said reproachfully.

“Well, now  _ I _ handled it,” The new masked person said. “I’m gonna take this criminal to the police station. Y’all wanna come with? Provide testimony?”

Jean and Tai looked at each other.

“Alright,” Jean said.

“Sure,” Tai said. “Hey, are you that super person people have been talking about?”

“Yeah,” The super person said. “Still, justice is easier to dispense with eye-witness accounts.”

“As it should be,” Jean said.

“No, totally,” The super person said. “Unfettered violence is unfettered violence, even if done with righteous intentions.”

\---

“Do you have to play comedy bits in the background while we’re supposed to be doing math?” Dane asked. “I only ask because you have not been doing math.”

“I’m  _ trying _ to find a way to make this bearable,” Lorraine said. “What would  _ you  _ prefer I put on?”

“Something that is not John Mulaney’s  _ New In Town _ bit,” Dane said.

“Fine,” Lorraine said. “How about  _ The One Thing You Can’t Replace _ ?”

“Will you do math while it is playing?” Dane asked. “Because we  _ do _ have to get this mock budget in on Tuesday.”

Lorraine considered that. “I’ll put on some bops,” She decided. “Hey, you’re friends with Rick, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m gonna give you 99% on the odds that I  _ won’t _ answer your next question.”

“Does he have a job?” She asked. “Can I bother him into giving me discounts somewhere?”

“Hot Topic,” Dane said. “Also, I doubt you could.”

“Not worth my time,  _ there _ ,” She said. “Mark already pays me back double when I pick up his hair dye.”

“He uses hair dye from Hot Topic? That explains  _ that _ , I guess.”

“I hear it’s good stuff, actually. Wouldn’t know from experience.”

“His hair is practically a helmet,” Dane said.

“That’s the gel,” Lorraine said. “I keep telling him to use less, but I guess he’s really convinced he’s going to need to survive some surprise head trauma someday, or something.”

“How much of that stuff does he even use?”

Lorraine shrugged. “I don’t check his budget,” She said. “Last time I went over there, his bathroom looked like he’d just won a lifetime supply.”

“I know only fear and pain,” Dane said neutrally. “Anyways, about this problem…”

\---

“He… what?” Rick asked.

“He entered a cup stacking contest,” Ian said. “It’s next week. He won’t stop practicing.”

“That’s… a  _ little _ concerning,” Rick allowed. “Why are you telling me?”

“Because Brook’s got enough to worry about, and someone needs to stop him.” Ian pointed at where Evan was standing on a table, working a stack up from the floor.

“Right, okay,” Rick sighed, and approached the table.

“Busy,” Evan said.

“Evan, this is an intervention,” Rick said. “You’ve gotta do something else with your time.”

“No,  _ this _ is an intervention.” Evan gestured at his stacked cups. “For some reason, the prize for winning this competition is a year’s supply of hair gel. Mark has entered and is out for blood.”

Rick considered that. “I see. This  _ is _ an emergency.”

“Aw, come on!” Ian groaned.

“Well, we can hardly expect Lizzie to reign him in on her own,” Rick said. “Dude’s half a force of nature.”

“So’s she, she’s just politer about it,” Ian said.

“You’re both right,” Evan said. “She  _ could _ deal with him on her own, but she still deserves a break. Oh, hey, there she is now.”

“Lizzie!” Rick called, waving.

Lizzie jogged up. “Hey,” She said. She looked at what Evan was doing. “Need some more?”

“Wouldn’t hurt,” Evan said.

Lizzie pulled out some more cups and climbed up onto the table with him.

“I am suffering,” Ian said. “Mother will get home at the end of the weekend, and she will ask us why the house is covered in stacks of plastic cups, and my only answer will be the gross sobs that directly precede my death.”

People they did not know were gathering to watch.

One approached. “I’m gonna beat you at cup stacking,” They said to Evan, calmly.

“I don’t need to win,” Evan said. “I just need to make sure Mark doesn’t.”

“It’s for his own good,” Lizzie agreed.

The stranger nodded, and disappeared back into the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recently, a friend and I dragged Marluxia's hair. Every section of it is it's own clump. Dude's gotta learn to use gel tastefully and effectively, like Axel. Axel does gel *well*, we agreed. Then again, we're both kinda biased, in our own ways, so whether or not that affected our conclusions remains to be seen.
> 
> Anyways that's what I was thinking about when writing the latter half of this


	7. Kingdom Hearts 2, The thi-- I mean, the fourth one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I focus too much on the prologue. I make fun of the story, the setting, the characters, and their players.
> 
> #LetGoofySwearReMindDLC2020

**Sea Vampire:** ever think about how different the world would be if just one thing was different?

**Mothman:** Like how

**Sea Vampire:** like if there was some huge media conglomerate that made

**Sea Vampire:** like

**Sea Vampire:** EVERY movie

**Mothman:** That is a weirdly specific thought to have

**Joke Redacted:** itd be a megacorperate distopia but you know damn well some of those movies would slap and sometimes youd just need to see a movie

**Mothman:** Well megacorperate distopia Rick would probably still work at hot topic

**Roc Vortex:** maybe hot topic wouldnt exist

**Roc Vortex:** maybe the wizard store wouldnt exist

**Grim:** maybe we wouldn’t exist.

**Mothman:** Maybe vampires would be real

**Sea Vampire:** sure they’d be real

**Sea Vampire:** even regular sized corperations suck the life out of you

**Illusionary:** And on  _ that _ cheerful note, let’s go over how things are going to work for this next arc!

**Illusionary:** We’re going to start out with Roxas, Axel, and Namine, and then once they’ve resolved what’s up with them, we’ll switch over to everyone’s regular characters.

**Sea Vampire:** aren’t some of those asleep

**Joke Redacted:** yeah thats an issue

**Illusionary:** See, in theory, y’all’ll wake them up. Ready?

** _Joke Redacted_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Boo-bies_ ** _ . Fun! _

**Mothman:** As fun as your halloween pun is I think you’re up to bat here

* * *

**Illusionary:** Roxas, you are in Twilight Town.

**Roxas:** real twilight town or fake twilight town?

**Illusionary:** Roll insight.

**Roxas:** /roll 1d20+3

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 1 _ \+ 3!  _ 4 _ ! Critical Failure!

**Illusionary:** Oh yeah, it’s definitely real.

**Roxas:** sweet

* * *

**Illusionary:** Time stops. Axel is here now.

**Axel:** “yo”

**Roxas:** “hi what’s your name?”

**Axel:** “i

**Axel:** “bro im your guy”

**Roxas:** “i don’t think we’ve met but it’s nice to meet you”

**Axel:** “weve been best friends your whole life dude”

**Roxas:** “i think i would remember that”

**Axel:** “ok ok ok listen”

**Axel:** “come back to our job we live at and everythings gonna be fine”

**Roxas:** “oh fuck i have a job??”

**Axel:** “yes”

**Roxas:** “does that mean i have enough money to go to the beach with my friends??”

**Axel:** “uh”

**Axel:** “dude  _ im _ your friends”

**Roxas:** “come with us if it’s that big of a deal”

**Axel:** “look man if you dont come with me ive been ordered to do some physical combat”

**Roxas:** “that is very rude”

**Axel:** “so uh

**Axel:** “please i guess”

**Roxas:** “uh no thanks”

**Axel:** so do we like roll for initiative now

**Illusionary:** No, now DiZ shows up and kicks Axel out.

**Roxas:** “who are you?? are you my friend as well??”

**Illusionary:** “No.”

**Roxas:** “:(“

* * *

**Namine:** “hello Roxas”

**Roxas:** “hi have we met”

**Namine:** wait have we actually

**Roxas:** well we’ve established Roxas’ entire life so far and that doesn’t seem to have been the case

**Namine:** but we’re like twins or something wouldn’t we have formed in the same place

**Roxas:** you weren’t in that cutscene

**Namine:** none of this makes any sense

**Illusionary:** I think if y’all met it would have been before your memories were solid enough to keep up some good and funky memories.

**Namine:** alrighty

**Namine:** “idk maybe”

**Roxas:** “finally someone on the same page as me”

**Namine:** “anyways can i ask you a favor”

**Roxas:** “what kind”

**Namine:** “can you like fuse with Sora he needs your flesh”

**Roxas:** “that is the absolute worst way you could have asked that”

**Namine:** “logically speaking he should need mine too but apparently not”

**Axel:** wait what

**Namine:** well Namine was made from Sora’s body too right

**Namine:** so logically speaking she should merge back into Sora

**Illusionary:** She’s Kairi’s Nobody.

**Namine:** but Kairi has all her bits

**Namine:** Sora’s body is split between two different Nobodies he’s just a heart

**Goofy:** a surprisingly solid heart that was doing mostly fine actually.

**Roxas:** but all his memories are messy now so he needs to fuse with Roxas and also Xion a little bit to get them back

**Namine:** and i don’t get why not Namine as well but not Namine as well

**Illusionary:** This is a plot device so your main characters can get the levels from your side characters. Please accept this so we can move on.

**Namine:** i’m just saying it doesn’t really make that much sense

* * *

**Axel:** “hello im back”

**Roxas:** “you are Axel and we are friends?”

**Axel:** “yeah”

**Axel:** “come back with me now”

**Roxas:** “uh”

**Axel:** “wait”

**Axel:** “did you just say that because that’s what i said last time”

**Roxas:** “... no?”

**Axel:** “damnit okay”

**Axel:** “guess we gotta fight so maybe you can remember shit”

**Roxas:** “aw beans”

* * *

**Illusionary:** Roxas is now in the weird, probably haunted mansion.

**Roxas:** “ghosts?? Ghosts????”

**Namine:** “no just me”

**Roxas:** “oh hi again”

**Roxas:** “who are you actually”

**Namine:** “i’m Namine”

**Roxas:** “cool nice to meet you”

**Namine:** “hey have you considered fusing with Sora”

**Roxas:** “why”

**Namine:** “because you are a Nobody made from his physical body and apparently my magic makes me too useful to shove in there as well”

**Roxas:** “i don’t understand any of that”

**Namine:** “yeah me neither”

**Namine:** [fusionha.gif]

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “Hey Namine you’re not supposed to be in here wtf”

**Namine:** “aw beans”

**Roxas:** “hold on we’re trying to have a conversation??”

**Roxas:** “you already robbed me of money please don’t rob me of knowing things as well”

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “I did rob you of money and now I will rob you of knowing things as well”

**Namine:** can i roll to struggle or smth

**Illusionary:** I mean, you  _ can _ roll a strength contest? You kinda put that as your dump stat, though.

**Namine:** i’m a wizard of course strength was a dump stat

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** /roll 1d20+2

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 14 _ \+ 2!  _ 16 _ !

**Namine:** possible to beat so i will attempt

**Namine:** /roll 1d20-2

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 17 _ \- 2!  _ 15 _ !

**Roxas:** so close

**Illusionary:** Okay, so, our guy Ansem here is gonna drag Namine through a dark corridor, but she can yell a few more things before he manages.

**Namine:** righty oh

**Namine:** “Roxas fusing with Sora is gonna be so cool and you should definitely do that”

**Namine:** “you and i do not technically exist or something that’s wild”

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “Namine please we talked about this”

**Namine:** “i am a free agent of chaos and if you so intend my destruction i will take you down into my grave as penance”

* * *

**Roxas:** so i’m like getting my memories of the organization back right

**Illusionary:** Yeah.

**Illusionary:** Also, Axel is here again.

**Roxas:** “Axel please don’t make me go back to the organization its kinda boring and also possibly evil”

**Axel:** “well then what am i supposed to do its not like i can run away”

**Roxas:** “why not”

**Axel:** “they will kill me”

**Roxas:** “whose job is that if you are not there”

**Axel:** uh

* * *

**Illusionary:** Sora has woken up!

** _Roxas_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Sora_ ** _ . There was great rejoicing. _

** _Axel_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Donald Duck_ ** _ . Now we can begin. _

** _Namine_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Kairi_ ** _ . Power move. _

**Illusionary:** Cool, I’m just gonna take control of Axel and Namine for a few little cutscenes here and there. No biggy.

**Kairi:** who’s dyingh

**Illusionary:** You can’t just assume that.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** Who’s dying

* * *

**Sora:** this scene with Hayner Pence and Olette is so sweet and sad i’m gonna cry

**Kairi:** they’re nice i hope we get back to them later

**Illusionary:** We will.

**Sora:** Sora also cries btw

**Sora:** in character

**Illusionary:** He barely knows these people.

**Sora:** they’re Roxas’ friends

**Sora:** Roxas knows them and he’s in here now

**Illusionary:** Alright. Hayner, Pence, and Olette think that’s a little weird, but they’re willing to accept that you’re just an emotional dude.

**Sora:** wait since Roxas got Xion’s keyblade after absorbing her and Sora just absorbed him does he have three keyblades??

**Goofy:** how would he even hold that many?

**Sora:** idc it’d be badass tho

**Goofy:** you’re absolutely correct. i will sign your petition to give you three keyblades.

* * *

**Sora:** glo up

**Kairi:** gloup

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** What would gloup be

**Donald Duck:** gloopy soup

**Sora:** :|

**Goofy:** do i also get magic clothes? id like to also get magic clothes.

**Illusionary:** You get to  _ be _ magic clothes.

**Goofy:** :/

* * *

**Illusionary:** DiZ was gonna kill Namine but Axel took her and ran off.

**Kairi:** tubular

**Kairi:** Namine is good and i love her

* * *

**Sora:** SANTA????

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** [santa.png]

**Kairi:** hell yeah santa claus

* * *

**Kairi:** this is entirely untubular

**Donald Duck:** why is my dude kidnapping kairi

**Illusionary:** He misses Roxas, his friend.

**Donald Duck:** ok that tracks nvm

**Kairi:** is this some elaborate ploy to get Sora to lose his heart again and recreate Roxas

**Illusionary:** Yeah, basically.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** Obviously I am not about that

**Sora:** so does Axel just kidnap people in his spare time now

**Goofy:** i think he’s trying to use the emotional distress of Kairi being kidnapped to get Sora to give up his heart.

**Goofy:** then use Namine’s magic powers to make sure Roxas has his Roxas memories.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** He might also expect Kairi to bring Sora back from his heartless again so people don’t get as mad at him or something

**Donald Duck:** his primary motivation is friendship and having buddies

**Kairi:** that’s kinda sweet actually

**Kairi:** still not gonna go with him willingly

**Illusionary:** I am  _ trying _ to consolidate your character levels.

**Kairi:** Kairi doesn’t know that

* * *

**Kairi:** that's Demyx! that's my boy!

**Kairi:** you killed him!

**Sora:** well he started it

**Kairi:** fair

* * *

**Sora:** there’s two Ansems??????

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** Ah, fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this

* * *

**Illusionary:** Okay, with that roll you, uh…

**Illusionary:** Good news: you successfully saved the king.

**Goofy:** am i crushed by the rock?

**Illusionary:** Bad news: you  _ are _ crushed by the rock.

**Goofy:** am i fucking dead?

**Illusionary:** A little bit.

**Goofy:** _stellar._

* * *

**Sora:** Dane?

**Illusionary:** Yeah?

**Sora:** why are there literally a thousand heartless????

**Donald Duck:** **each

**Illusionary:** I calculated it. You should be able to take them, unless you’re dreadfully unlucky.

**Sora:** dreadfully unlucky like how Goofy fucking died dreadully unlucky????

**Donald Duck:** or a different amount of unlucky

**Illusionary:** There are multiple NPCs that I can drop in to help you if things get bad, if it makes you feel better. But I really think you can do this on your own.

**Sora:** [link]

**Illusionary:** Exactly.

**Illusionary:** Let’s see how far we’ve come.

* * *

**Kairi:** that was really cool and all but what am I up to

**Illusionary:** You are somewhat in jail.

**Kairi:** i’m gonna bust out of jail y’all

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** Can I help

**Kairi:** hell yeah

* * *

**Goofy:** “i’m alive fuckos.”

**Donald Duck:** “how”

**Goofy:** “filibustered death.”

**Illusionary:** They spent an hour and a half telling me how much work it’d be to finagle someone new into running around with you lot until I relented and let Goofy live.

* * *

**Sora:** that’s a lot of wiggly boys

**Goofy:** nothing we can’t handle.

**Donald Duck:** maybe so but id like to get a move on

**Illusionary:** And then Maleficent appears and says she’ll hold them off for you.

**Sora:** “why?”

**Illusionary:** “Because  _ fuck _ Organization XIII, they’re assholes and I want their real estate.”

**Sora:** “cool okay thank you!”

* * *

**Kairi:** i’m gonna do a dance of not being in jail now

**Kairi:** [link]

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** That is the peanut butter jelly time video

**Sora:** didn’t that guy die in s drug bust??

**Donald Duck:** huh

* * *

**Illusionary:** /roll 1d20+5

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 19 _ \+ 5!  _ 24 _ !

**Sora:** !!!

**Illusionary:** A single bolt, glowing and strange, hits the ground next to Sora.

**Sora:** i don’t like that at all, especially with that roll you just did

**Illusionary:** All the Heartless surrounding him pause and turn to it, distracting them. Before you can move, many more bolts rain down from above you, each striking home on a Heartless and instantly destroying it.

**Sora:** please tell me that it is friendship time and that this is a nice npc

**Illusionary:** A voice rings out. “Have you been a good boy?”

**Sora:** “whomst’ve the FUCK”

**Illusionary:** It’s Xigbar time.

**Kairi:** this dude’s fuckin hilarious lmao

**Kairi:** i’m gonna write him a theme song

**Donald Duck:** since when do you have the fucking time

**Illusionary:** Xigbar’s gonna call Sora Roxas now.

**Sora:** “what is a Roxas is that a type of ice cream?”

**Illusionary:** “You don’t seem half the hero the wielders before you were.”

**Goofy:** hello???

**Donald Duck:** what

**Sora:** what does that mean?????

**Kairi:** what the FUCK dude

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** What does he know

**Sora:** well if he killed the Heartless for us is he gonna be our friend and tell us stuff now?

**Goofy:** exposition man…………… 2!

**2bot:** [gif]

**Illusionary:** Actually, roll for initiative.

**Sora:** ah ok

**Sora:** he’s suffering from dramatic bastard syndrome

* * *

**Sora:** “ansem?????”

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “bye now”

**Sora:** “wait hold up”

**Goofy:** “are we fighting this guy?”

**Goofy:** no seriously are we doing some pvp?

**Sora:** “theres a lot going on rn and ig fuck you for fucking up my house? but thanks for helping Kairi out she is my friend”

**Kairi:** “Sora”

**Kairi:** “this isnt Ansem”

**Sora:** “:0 what a plot twist which i was previously unaware of!!”

**Kairi:** “that’s right. Riku time”

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** “Hello………”

**Donald Duck:** “i am shocked”

**Goofy:** “hey, what?”

**Donald Duck:** “SHOCKED”

* * *

**Illusionary:** Saix is here and he also calls Sora Roxas

**Sora:** him and everyone else in the Organization lmao

**Sora:** no ones explained this to Sora btw

**Kairi:** everyone’s talking to him and he just has to accept it

**Goofy:** mood.

**Sora:** anyways i will complain

**Donald Duck:** i will complain as well

**Illusionary:** Saix hefts his big ol sword dramatically.

**Illusionary:** “Different name, same fate.”

**Sora:** We rolling now huh

* * *

**Illusionary:** Luxord appears dramatically in the center of your party.

**Sora:** and calls me Roxas?

**Illusionary:** No, actually.

**Sora:** :0

**Illusionary:** Everyone roll a saving throw, please. Straight numbers.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** /roll 1d20

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 1 _ ! Critical failure!

**Donald Duck:** /roll 1d20

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 8 _ !

**Kairi:** not like anything else here is straight lol

**Sora:** /roll 1d20

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 11 _ !

**Goofy:** /roll 1d20

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 7 _ !

**Kairi:** /roll 1d20

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 9 _ !

**Illusionary:** So, uh…

**Illusionary:** Sora gets to fight Luxord all by himself.

**Sora:** out of curiosity what would have happened if we’d all failed??

**Illusionary:** You would have had a roleplaying challenge instead of a fight.

**Sora:** can we do that anyways

**Illusionary:** I have a single person version of the boss fight prepared. This isn’t my first rodeo.

* * *

**Illusionary:** He calls you Roxas, and then he dies. Everyone is free from card land.

**Sora:** FUCK

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** I really shouldn’t laugh, but…

* * *

**Illusionary:** DiZ is here and he’s got a weird machine.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** Okay I give up who is this guy

**Illusionary:** You know it’s funny you should ask that, because his name is actually Ansem.

**Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard:** WHAT

**Illusionary:** As you’ll recall, there’s two.

**Illusionary:** Anyways, his machine explodes, his identity is revealed, you look like Riku again. He has to leave to receive medical attention at top speed.

** _Ansem, Seeker of Being a Bastard_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Riku_ ** _ . What a relief. _

* * *

** _Illusionary _ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Xemnas_ ** _ . Things are heating up. _

**Xemnas:** I swear that thing is sentient

** _Sora_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Sora with a B_ ** _ . Fuck you. _

**Sora with a B:** oh shit!!

** _Riku_ ** _ has set  _ ** _Sora with a B_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ ** _Sora with an X_ ** _ . It felt more appropriate. _

**Xemnas:** Unsettlingly appropriate flavor text aside…

**Xemnas:** “I’m gonna kick your ass.”

* * *

**Sora with an X:** Dane you’re our good friend but you need to stop making us do multiple stage boss fights

**Riku:** Or at the very least the stages could make sense

**Kairi:** this is the second time that the boss has turned into a boat

* * *

**Xemnas:** Sora and Riku are now in the Realm of Darkness

**Kairi:** fuck that honestly

**Xemnas:** Well… they’re in there.

**Sora with an X:** can we have some bonding time

**Riku:** 900% increase in bond

**Sora with an X:** :0c the bond is at impossible levels!

** _Donald Duck_ ** _ has set  _ ** _Riku_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ ** _Designate Sasuke Kinnie_ ** _ . It’s about time. _

** _Goofy_ ** _ has set  _ ** _Sora with an X_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ ** _Naruto_ ** _ . Like begets like. _

**Naruto:** nljafgjfbgadgas,jbgadsfm yaaaaaaall

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** You are all absolutely ridiculous

**Kairi:** anyways can i roll to let them out of the realm of darkness now using my princess powers

**Xemnas:** I… guess?

**Xemnas:** I’m going to make the success threshold pretty high though. Also, no modifier.

**Kairi:** /roll 1d20

**Them Bones:** Rolled  _ 20 _ ! Critical Success!

**Xemnas:** Shit, I guess that works. That’s cool.

* * *

**Donald Duck:** hey so uh

**Donald Duck:** i have to go back to my hometown for a semester

**Donald Duck: ** family stuff

**Donald Duck:** wifi there is crap and im gonna be busy anyways

**Donald Duck:** so i wont be available

**Goofy:** crap. i’ve got shit to do too.

**Goofy:** i won’t be available this semester either.

**Naruto:** aww we’ll miss you!!!

**Designate Sasuke Kinnie:** Good luck with whatever’s happening, I guess

**Kairi:** we’ll miss you

**Kairi:** call if you can

**Goofy:** oh absolutely!

**Xemnas:** Is everything alright?

**Xemnas:** I don’t mean to pry, but… it kind of sounds like something’s going  _ really _ poorly.

**Donald Duck:** i get why youre concerned but ive got it handled trust me

**Donald Duck:** hbu jean

**Goofy:** i’m probably gonna get eaten by the blair witch or something but i’ll be back.

**Kairi:** good to know i’m half a year away from a horror movie lmao

**Kairi:** gl tho

**Naruto:** i’m gonna hit your dms with pictures of every cat i see while you’re gone

**Goofy:** shit, now i’m even more excited to get back somehow.

**Donald Duck:** same here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was rewatching Xigbar cutscenes from kh2 final mix and *that one line* came up........ Luxu, you bastard.................. I know what that meeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaans


	8. Interlude: The part where no one is sure whether everyone is being unnecessarily dramatic or if the drama is actually necessary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malcom and Jean catch their trains, Brook dodges a debate, Rick faces a challenge, and Dane comes over while Tai is getting his hair dyed.

“Small town blues, huh Jean?” Malcom said, toying with his train ticket idly.

The two of them sat together on a bench at the station, waiting.

“Oh, yeah, totally.” Jean snorted. “I get to help my brother sell a house in a town that’s got haunted woods attached. It’s gonna be  _ awesome _ .”

“Oh, we’re both selling houses?” Malcom laughed. “Who’d’ve thought?”

“What a coincidence, right?” Jean shrugged.

They sat for a while.

“Haunted, huh?” Malcom asked.

“Yeah,” Jean said. “They’re fine if you don’t stay out after dark, but…”

“What do people see?”

“They don’t, is the problem,” Jean said. “Just vanish.”

“Ah,” Malcom said. “Jean, you have to promise me you’re not gonna get eaten by the haunted woods behind whatever house you’re selling. I’ll be pissed if you do.”

“I don’t know when I’ve ever given any indication of caring about that.” Jean smirked. “Still, I wasn’t planning on dying this year. I’m bringing a flashlight and a shit ton of salt.”

“Will that help?”

“Won’t hurt.”

“True.”

A train whistled. Malcom looked at his ticket.

“Not mine,” He said. “Yours?”

Jean checked their own ticket. “Yeah, that’s my ride,” They said. “See you in half a year.”

Malcom waved as Jean boarded their train. He’d known them pretty much since both of them had moved to town, and they’d worked together for most of that time. They hadn’t gone more than a week and a half without seeing each other since they’d started college.

He was going to miss all of his friends from school, but the bond of surviving Black Friday at a retail job together, combined with the fact that they were his last goodbye, made this parting hurt, just a  _ little  _ more than the other ones.

He shook his head. He had to avoid feeling sappy. He had to avoid every hallmark movie trope the world through at him until this trip was over.

In another world, the tropes might not have been a legitimate risk. But in the world he and everyone he knew lived in, the tropes were present. Tangible. Hungry, and just as much of a threat as the haunted woods Jean would be facing.

Jean’s train pulled out of the station, and Malcom smiled as it moved out of view. One trial down. He could do this.

\---

“So, we’re all clear?” Lizzie said.

The class, sitting in the hallway nodded.

Their debate teacher, foolishly, had decided to grade  _ this _ test on a curve, in a class containing both Lizzie (a younger sister and part time student who had plenty of time to prepare her case despite the fact that it was final exam season) and Brook (an only child who probably had the course load of at least three people, and needed as much time for any given thing as she could budget in). Not only that, he had set them up to debate each other.

Now, if the test hadn’t been curved, this might have resulted in Lizzie absolutely rocking the shit out of the debate between herself and Brook, due to having a lifetime of training and more time to prepare for this specific bout. Both members of a debate would theoretically be able to pass, no matter who one, but both had to look good enough during the debate to do so. Getting verbally slam dunked would do Brook no favors.

But the test  _ was _ curved, and Lizzie and Brook had a few very important similarities.

One; they were both rather compassionate. Brook’s compassion didn’t necessarily add anything to this specific outcome, but Lizzie’s recognized the threat to her friend’s GPA and knew they had to do something.

The second thing that Brook and Lizzie had in common was that they were both very smart. Smart enough, in fact, to game the system.

The test was curved. The highest score received would be the 100% mark. So, if the highest score was zero…

“What if this doesn’t work?” Brook asked as Lizzie settled into the seat next to her and the two began to work on various other assignments.

“Then I go to the college board and convince them that since less than 15% of the class passed the assignment, it should not be counted,” Lizzie said. “It’s technically policy, there’s just not really any reason to enforce it, ever.”

Their teacher popped his head out of the classroom. “Are any of you coming in?

“No,” Twenty student said in unison.

The debate teacher smirked, crossing his arms. “And why not?”

The class looked at each other. They knew  _ exactly _ what he was doing. If they wouldn’t debate each other, he was going to try to make them debate him.

He tapped his foot, the only sign of his growing impatience.

Several students began to look nervous.

“Well?”

“Because we’re not gonna,” One student offered.

“Well, that’s hardly a reason,” The teacher said.

“No,” Another student agreed amicably, and went back to recreating the Venus de Milo with cardboard.

“I could fail you all for this,” He warned.

“Fascinating,” Brook said, not looking up from her own work, trying not to betray the anxiety boiling under her skin.

She’d known Lizzie since middle school. She had already made the decision to trust her on this.

She couldn’t back out now. She had too much to do.

\---

“This is a horrible idea,” Rick said.

“This is probably the best idea I’ve ever had,” Lorraine said, pushing a shopping cart she’d ‘borrowed’ from the grocery store full of hair gel she’d ‘borrowed’ from Mark. On top sat a package of plastic gloves. “What are  _ you _ bringing?”

“Some of us decided to bring things that could actually be  _ used _ to make shit,” Rick said, opening his bag to show a few large tubs of hot pink play-doh.

“Hey,” Lorraine said. “What’s the point of the materials challenge if there’s no challenge?”

“You’re just saying that because everyone’s swapping,” Rick said. “You would  _ not _ have brought those if  _ you _ were the one who had to use them.”

“You don’t know that,” Lorraine said. “I’m not-- Okay, I’m  _ kind of _ an asshole, but still--”

Rick snorted as the two of them reached the courtyard where their class was meeting that day.

“Lorraine,  _ please _ tell me you did not steal a grocery cart,” Their teacher said.

“I’ll put it back,” She said.

“Good enough. Materials in the center.”

Lorraine left her cart at the appointed place, and Rick unloaded the play-doh into a small stack next to it before going to stand in the chalk square labeled with his name.

“Please tell me that Lorraine didn’t bring what I think she brought,” One of the people near him begged.

“I cannot do that in good conscience,” Rick said. “I can only advise you to pick a god and pray that you will not receive it.”

“When he said to pick something challenging to work with, I just  _ knew _ that someone was going to die,” The person sighed.

Their teacher came around with a hat, and everyone dipped their hands in and withdrew a piece of paper with the name of a classmate.

Rick opened his paper as the teacher moved on, and paled.

He looked up at Lorraine, and flipped her off.

She nearly collapsed from laughing.

\---

Ian, Mark, and Tai were in Ian’s bathroom, standing around the sink.

“Once the process begins, there’s no backing out,” Mark said.

“This is your final chance to turn back,” Ian said.

“You do not have to be so dramatic about helping me dye my hair,” Tai said. “Literally, I know what I’m getting into and what is about to happen.”

“We really do have to be that dramatic,” Mark said. “Ian, get the lights.”

“Are you two seriously going to bleach my hair in the dark?” Tai asked. “Because I draw the line at putting caustic chemicals on my head  _ blindly _ .”

“Of course we’re not going to do the bleach in the dark,” Ian said, turning off the lights.

Mark switched on two flashlights, tossing one to Ian and holding the other under his face. Dramatically. Ian returned to his spot and took the same position.

“You who would deny fate,” Mark said. “You who take it upon yourself to change this, despite what else it may change.”

“Consider carefully,” Ian continued. “The way you walk in this world is-- Hey!”

Tai covered his mouth and tried to stop laughing. “Sorry,” He said. “I just-- it’s just hair dye!”

“Tai, please,” Ian said. “The sooner we get this over with, the sooner you have purple anime hair.”

“As opposed to black anime hair,” Mark said.

“Okay,” Tai said, managing to quiet himself.

“Anyways,” Ian said. “Consider carefully. The way you walk in this world is likely to change as you do.”

“Will you still move forward?” Mark asked. “Knowing that you spit in the face of forces unknown and unknowable?”

“Yeah,” Tai said. “Did you two seriously both have to go through this when you first dyed  _ your _ hair?”

“Mark, the lights,” Ian said. “It is time.”

Mark passed his flashlight to Ian, who turned both flashlights off as the bathroom lights were turned back on.

Mark and Ian pulled on gloves.

Tai scrolled calmly through social media as his hair was coated in the bleach. This was the reason he’d enlisted help, really; he hadn’t even known they made bleach specifically for your hair. Mark and Ian were the experts, even if they were being kind of weird about it.

Pretty soon, they washed out the bleach.

“Color’s still there,” Mark said.

“No good,” Ian said. “His fate fights back.”

Tai laughed again. “This is almost, like, a cult or something,” He said. “Seriously, it’s just hair.”

Mark put a bottle of conditioner in his hands. “One round of this,” He said. “Then we’re bleaching again.”

“Okay,” Tai said. “You’re the experts.”

“We are,” Ian agreed.

There was a knock at the bathroom door. “Hey, Tai?”

“Dane?” Tai said.

“Your mom let me in,” Dane said. “Are you… busy?”

“We’ve already optimized the ventilation!” Mark said. “Whatever you have can wait!”

“Are we going to have to switch to the abridged version?” Ian asked, setting up the next round of bleach.

“I’m not sure we can,” Mark said. “Still, Dane is not a patient man.”

“He can be,” Tai said. “When it’s important.”

“His hair is undyed,” Ian said. “I doubt we can convince him of the importance of this situation.”

“I’ll be out eventually!” Tai called. “Anywhere from… say, twenty minutes to two more hours?”

“Good estimate,” Mark said, helping Tai rub the conditioner into his hair.

“I think that’s a good sign,” Ian said cheerfully.

Rinse. Bleach. Rinse.

“Are you done yet?” Dane asked.

Ian and Mark looked at each other.

“The lull  _ can _ be a break,” Ian said.

“We’ll still have to keep track of time,” Mark said. “Losing track could have consequences.”

“Not as many as during the bleaching,” Ian said.

“No,” Mark agreed.

“So…” Tai said.

“He’ll be out in about ten minutes!” Ian declared through the door. “But we’ll need him back after.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up, Birth By Sleep!
> 
> After this is when the order is gonna get tricky, though. When it comes to games I'm actually doing, what remains is Union Cross, Dream Drop Distance, and Kingdom Hearts 3. I'm leaving out Coded and Fragmentary Passage because I don't know or care jack shit about Coded and Fragmentary Passage has literally one character for most of it, but the games I am doing present a bit of a scheduling problem.
> 
> Union Cross. I don't know where to put it.
> 
> I mean, ideally I'd put it before 3D, and then slide 3D and KH3 consecutively as they are meant to be, but there are two problems with that. One is that I don't think Union Cross is done, and as such I think it'll be hard to do this whole thing with. The other is that I haven't been able to beat Nightmare Chirithy in the section where all the actual important story bits are anyways. Damn you, Nightmare Chirithy, absorbing darkness damage and reflecting power damage. That means I can't use like 3/4ths of my good medals.
> 
> So, then, the other option that does not result in an extended hiatus after the next interlude is to put Union Cross after 3D and KH3, and give myself the opportunity to either get through Nightmare Chirithy or give up and look up a cutscene compilation on the internet. I don't really like that option, either, because KH3 uses some plot threads from Union Cross to set up the next Mega Arc where Xigbar/Luxu is running around causing shenanigan problems for everyone else. I might be able to make it work, but I might not, and I wouldn't know until I did it already.
> 
> Or there's the hiatus option. I know this doesn't have a schedule, but like, I think if I get dead set on doing Union Cross before 3D and KH3, there will probably be an extended absence from this particular work at some point.
> 
> I guess if y'all have opinions (or tips on beating Nightmare Chirithy) lmk


	9. Xehanort Gets Sexy And The Narrator Gets So, So Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Birth By Sleep babey

**Narrator:** Are we all ready?

**Sea Urchin:** yeah i think so

**Beans… Les Beans…:** ive got my character!!

**Brick:** Yeah I’m ready

**Narrator:** Great! Let’s get rolling!

**Narrator:** Introduce your children.

**Brick:** First of all

**Brick:** Terra is 20

**Narrator:** You made him. He’s your son.

**Brick:** No he’s not he’s an orphan

**Sea Urchin:** why do you not love your son??

**Beans… Les Beans…:** what the fuck Richard

**Brick:** …

**Brick:** [terra.png]

**Brick:** [charactersheet.pdf]

**Sea Urchin:** oh he looks cool!!

**Narrator:** I appreciate you cross-classing him to the specifications I set out for you lot, but his stats and stuff look a lot like Riku’s.

**Brick:** Do they now

**Narrator:** Yes, they do.

**Brick:** Fascinating

**Narrator:** I’ll get you for this.

**Beans… Les Beans…:** [png.img]

**Beans… Les Beans…:** this is Aqua she’s a paladin warlock like you said

**Narrator:** Cool.

**Narrator:** Is there anything else you want to say about her before we go in?

**Beans… Les Beans…:** no but thanks for asking

**Brick:** Did you name the image png.img

**Narrator:** _@Sea Urchin_ Tell us about your character.

**Sea Urchin:** [screenshot117.png]

**Brick:** _@Beans… Les Beans…_ did you intentionally name your picture png.img

**Narrator:** Tai.

**Narrator:** Roxas doesn’t exist yet.

**Sea Urchin:** he’s not Roxas

**Beans… Les Beans…:** yeah come on dude he’s got a different outfit

**Narrator:** People can change clothes and have different outfits, and he looks exactly like Roxas.

**Beans… Les Beans…:** no they cant

**Sea Urchin:** no he doesn’t

**Narrator:** :/

**Narrator:** What’s his name?

**Sea Urchin:** Ventus

**Narrator:** What’s his backstory?

**Sea Urchin:** hes got amnesia of his whole entire childhood before age 12

**Narrator:** What did you just pm me?

**Sea Urchin:** concepts :)

**Beans… Les Beans…:** ⚆ᗝ⚆

**Brick:** That’s an ominous statement, I think

**Narrator:** These are interesting, we’ll have to discuss them later.

**Sea Urchin:** :)

**Narrator:** In any case, that’s everyone’s characters. Are we ready?

** _Sea Urchin_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Ventus_ ** _ . How exciting! _

** _Beans… Les Beans… _ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Aqua_ ** _ . A charming name for a charming friend. _

** _Brick_ ** _ has set their nickname to  _ ** _Terra_ ** _ . Fascinating, what the future holds. _

**Narrator:** I love it.

* * *

**Terra:** “They say every star is another world”

**Ventus:** “do they all have electric lighting or is glowing just something that worlds do?”

**Terra:** “How the fuck am I supposed to know that”

**Aqua:** “worlds are just like that”

**Terra:** “:/”

* * *

**Narrator:** Alright, so, Terra and Aqua have their final exam today. It’s called the Mark of Mastery exam and it’s for the right to put “Master” in front of their names.

**Aqua:** like in star wars

**Narrator:** No.

**Narrator:** Anyways, you will be judged by your teacher, Master Eraqus, and one of his old friends, a guy by the name of Master Xehanort.

**Aqua:** pics pls

**Narrator:** [eraqus.png]

**Narrator:** [xehanort.png]

**Ventus:** i do not like Xehanorts posture it looks evil

**Terra:** He looks super condescending how is he friends with our teacher again

**Ventus:** he looks like he kneels down to talk to you

**Narrator:** They trained together. Them and the guy whose tower Sora got magic clothes at.

**Terra:** Like in star wars

**Aqua:** skajfnlajdjf

**Ventus:** is that canon???

**Narrator:** Yes.

**Terra:** JLBSDLHFKSJDFNLJDSBG

* * *

**Narrator:** Okay, let’s see.

**Terra:** Please tell me that the skill challenge was just a formality

**Narrator:** No, it was not.

**Terra:** Fuck

**Narrator:** Eraqus and Xehanort confer for a little bit, and then Eraqus steps forward.

**Narrator:** He says, “Congratulations, Master Aqua. You are the youngest person to ever pass this exam.”

**Aqua:** of course i am

**Aqua:** im a protagonist

**Terra:** Well obviously it’s not a fucking guarantee

**Narrator:** “Terra. You have an incredible skill, but you also carry much darkness in your heart. Master Xehanort and I have agreed that that is too much a risk, and we cannot grant you the title of Master at this time.”

**Terra:** :/

**Ventus:** hey so i got a question

**Narrator:** Yeah?

**Ventus:** what is darkness exactly??

**Narrator:** It’s. Darkness.

**Ventus:** ok but its obviously much more of a cosmic force here than us the players are used to it being in our world we live in

**Ventus:** its in peoples hearts but theres also a whole ass realm of it off in the corner that Rikus been to twice now

**Ventus:** like

**Ventus:** what is the deal?????

**Narrator:** Can I get back to you on that?

**Aqua:** =.=

**Ventus:** =.=

**Terra:** =.=

* * *

**Narrator:** So, as Terra exits the building the exam took place in, Xehanort stops him.

**Terra:** “What’s up bastard”

**Narrator:** Xehanort says, “I tried to talk Eraqus into passing you. You are skilled, especially for your age, and you have a clear, innate power. By all rights, you should be a Master.”

**Terra:** “Yeah, but I  _ did _ fail the skill challenge”

**Narrator:** “The darkness is nothing to fear, Terra, yet Eraqus fears it all the same. He will not grant you the title you deserve, because he is afraid. He does not understand. He does not understand that darkness can be channeled. Controlled. You could do that, Terra.”

**Terra:** Is he aware of what he is physically saying

**Narrator: ** How do you mean?

**Terra:** Does he genuinely believe the words coming out of his mouth and does he have good intentions for me personally

**Narrator:** Roll insight.

**Terra:** Oh

**Terra:** Oh fuck

**Ventus:** shit

**Aqua:** 👏 lets 👏 go 👏 everyone 👏

**Aqua:** you fail 100% of the rolls you dont take

**Terra:** I guess you’re right

**Terra:** /roll 1d20+3

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled  _ 1 _ \+ 3!  _ 4 _ ! Critical Failure!

**Terra:** I also fail 100% of my insight rolls

**Terra:** Come on then. Lie to me

**Narrator:** Oh, yeah, Xehanort’s  _ awesome _ .

**Terra:** Great

**Terra:** “Thank you”

* * *

**Narrator:** So do you remember the Princesses of Heart?

**Ventus:** oh yeah!! from the first arc!!

**Aqua:** are we gonna see like toddlers of them

**Narrator:** Master Eraqus got a call that they’re in danger. Also there are these things called Unversed.

**Terra:** Those are new

**Narrator:** Technically they’re old news, since this is a prequel, but that’s not the point.

**Aqua:** har har :|

**Narrator:** The Unversed feed on negative emotions, and Master Eraqus is sending Aqua and Terra to beat them up.

**Narrator:** Also, he tried to call Master Xehanort, and can’t reach him.

**Aqua:** suspicious

**Ventus:** i am noticing a distinct lack of Ventus in these mission plans

**Terra:** “Master are you referring to the same Master Xehanort who was here literally two minutes ago”

**Aqua:** “presumably not that one was here two minutes ago so its very reasonable hes not home to answer his phone yet”

**Narrator:** :/

**Narrator:** “Terra, if you do good at this, you can be a keyblade master.”

**Terra:** “Oh real shit?”

**Aqua:** i dont actually believe that hold on

**Aqua:** /roll 1d20+4

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled  _ 1 _ \+ 4!  _ 5 _ ! Critical failure!

**Aqua:** (;uwu)

**Narrator:** Nice roll. Anyways, Eraqus says “Terra, I care for you like my own son. I’d name you Master in a heartbeat if I had my way, but you are so obsessed with power.”

**Ventus:** Xehanort blames Eraqus

**Ventus:** Eraqus blames Xehanort, a bit

**Ventus:** the silver key opens the garden gate where you find the red key to the red door

**Ventus:** the red key opens the red door where you find the silver key to the garden gate

**Aqua:** what was that last bit

**Ventus:** i had a book of logic puzzles when i was a kid and that was one of them

**Ventus:** you needed all the keys for something but you couldnt open two of the doors

**Ventus:** iirc the solution was to hop the garden fence

**Aqua:** huh

**Narrator:** Anyways then Eraqus says some Yoda shit and sends Terra on his way.

**Terra:** “Goodbye you two I’ll remember you all when killing Unversed and then also in therapy”

**Terra:** Then he leaves

**Narrator:** “Aqua, keep an eye on Terra. The darkness might, like, eat him, or something.”

**Aqua:** “thatd suck yeah ill look after him”

* * *

**Narrator:** So, Ventus, where do you want to be right now?

**Ventus:** im gonna be in my room being sad that my friends are leaving me behind or something

**Narrator:** Cool, so some bells ring and stuff. It’s a parallel scene to what everyone else just did.

**Ventus:** well im about to try and head down to where everyones at and no one can stop me

**Narrator:** As you reach the door, you hear a voice behind you.

**Ventus:** in my fucking room??

**Narrator:** “Better hurry, Ventus, or you’ll never see Terra again.”

**Terra:** HELLO???

**Ventus:** “whomst the fuck are you and why and how are you in my room??”

**Narrator:** You turning to look at this guy?

**Ventus:** hell yeah i am they’re in my fucking room

**Narrator:** There’s another boy there. He’s around your height and he looks like this.

**Narrator:** [maskedv.png]

**Ventus:** ok but but does he say anything

**Narrator:** He doesn’t answer your question, no.

**Ventus:** “also wdym ‘never see Terra again’??? he fucking lives here”

**Narrator:** “Like right now? Instantly? He’s fucking leaving, dude.”

**Ventus:** “hello??????”

**Narrator:** “Next time you see him, he’ll be a whole different guy.”

**Ventus:** “like metaphorically??? or literally somehow”

**Narrator:** “Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?”

**Ventus:** “hey fight me actually”

**Narrator:** “Oh, grow up. Why don’t you go out and see him? He’s leaving right now, instantly.”

**Ventus:** “okay im leaving but you better get out of my room”

**Narrator:** He summons a Corridor of Darkness and leaves.

**Aqua:** plot twist

**Aqua:** HES Roxas

**Narrator:** Roxas doesn’t exist yet.

**Terra:** He’s time travelling from the future in order to prevent the timeline from breaking

**Terra:** That wasn’t vague prophetic mumbo jumbo and Dane is going to vibe check Terra

**Aqua:** xemnas and bastard seeker origin story

**Ventus:** wait hold on

**Aqua:** …?

**Ventus:** Xehanort  _ was _ the name of Xemnas’ original guy!!

**Terra:** But Xemnas was like

**Terra:** Young

**Terra:** And hot

**Terra:** This guys old and not even a dilf

**Narrator:** We’ll get to that.

* * *

**Narrator:** Master Eraqus gets Aqua’s attention before she leaves.

**Aqua:** “you have my attention”

**Narrator:** “Ventus is gone. I need you to get him while you’re out. It’s pretty much the most important thing now.”

**Aqua:** “even more important than Terra’s darkness?”

**Terra:** yeah fuck that guy

**Terra:** \- Eraqus, probably

**Narrator:** Eraqus says “I’ll explain everything later, just bring Ventus back here.”

**Ventus:** im finding Terra!! thats my npc prompted quest!!

**Terra:** My npc prompted quest is beating up monsters

**Aqua:** “there is absolutely no question of my success”

**Narrator:** I don’t know whether you meant you’d definitely succeed or definitely fail, but Eraqus is very confident in you, so he’s going to take it as the former.

* * *

**Narrator:** So, Terra.

**Terra:** Yes

**Narrator:** You have arrived in a new world! You’re outside a castle covered in thorns, and there’s someone nearby, but she hasn’t noticed you yet.

**Terra:** I’m gonna talk to her and ask her who she is and what’s up and stuff

**Narrator:** She introduces herself as Maleficent. Roll insight.

**Terra:** MOTHERFUCKER

* * *

**Narrator:** Ventus! You see the masked boy!

**Ventus:** i guess im gonna follow him

**Ventus:** find out what his fuckin deal is

**Narrator:** Cool! You’re at a weird sort of desert place. Lots of bluffs.

**Ventus:** “hey guy! whats your deal?”

**Narrator:** “Are you sure I’m the one you want to spend your time on right now? Don’t you remember what I told you before?”

**Ventus:** “yes but i dont believe it. you however are new to me and i dont get your deal”

**Narrator:** “Am I?” He says, and then he summons his keyblade.

**Narrator:** Roll for initiative.

**Ventus:** oh shit!!!

**Terra:** Roxas theory is holding up here

* * *

**Narrator:** Okay, uh, first of all, note to self; I need to make this guy introduce himself at some point, so I can start calling him by his name and you lot can stop calling him Roxas, who he is  _ not _ .

**Aqua:** thats exactly what you would say if he was Roxas

**Narrator:** It is not.

**Terra:** No I’m pretty convinced

**Terra:** Give me  _ one _ piece of evidence that he is not Roxas

**Narrator:** Roxas doesn’t exist yet!!

**Aqua:** how do we know time travel also does not exist

**Narrator:** Please.

**Narrator:** This doesn’t work if you don’t trust me.

**Aqua:** why not

**Ventus:** yeah uh hi

**Ventus:** not to interupt

**Ventus:** can we back get to the part where Roxas is about to kill me

**Narrator:** [rage.jpeg]

**Narrator:** He’s not Roxas, and you’re not about to die.

**Narrator:** Second of all is that the king is here and he’s going to help you beat up the masked guy.

**Ventus:** “hey thanks random mouse man”

**Narrator:** “Sure, no problem!” Mickey says.

**Ventus:** “cool anyways uhh masked dude will you at least please tell me your name?? if things are gonna be like that i would like to know who is trying to kill me”

**Narrator:** He moves his head, like he’s exaggerating a roll of his eyes, and doesn’t answer.

**Terra:** I thought you wanted to tell us his name

**Aqua:** that was the perfect opportunity to tell us his name

**Narrator:** Yeah, but I want to keep him in character.

**Ventus:** is it in character for him to answer but in an edgy way

**Narrator:** Shit, you’re so right.

**Narrator:** He still does the head thing, but he does say “I am the shadow of your heart, Ventus. I am the strength you couldn’t hold onto. I am empty, and I am your emptiness.”

**Aqua:** “no but like what’s your name”

**Narrator:** “Vanitas.”

**Narrator:** Wait, you’re not in this scene!

**Aqua:** gotcha :)

**Narrator:** [shakenrage.gif]

**Terra:** _@Ventus_ you’ve been pretty quiet over there are you ok

**Ventus:** n

**Ventus:** new brother????

**Aqua:** [yellingguymeme.png]

* * *

**Narrator:** Okay, you’re all at the Radiant Garden now, but in separate bits.

**Ventus:** am i still with Mickey?

**Narrator:** No, you’re not sure where he is.

**Aqua:** do i see Terra

**Narrator:** No, you do not. You’re in separate bits.

**Aqua:** but i was following him

**Ventus:** i was actively with Mickey and i lost him too

**Aqua:** alrighty searching time

**Terra:** Do I see anything

**Narrator:** You see Master Xehanort going somewhere.

**Terra:** Oh shit

* * *

**Narrator:** Aqua sees some Unversed bothering a little girl.

**Aqua:** time to beat the shit out of some monsters

**Narrator:** As you approach, the little girl runs to your side. Have you drawn your keyblade?

**Aqua:** yes

**Narrator:** She grabs hold of it, clutching it in fear as she reaches your side.

**Aqua:** :0

**Narrator:** Also this is Kairi.

**Aqua:** _:0_

**Ventus:** :0

**Terra:** Holy shit

* * *

**Narrator:** You have all pursued the monster to the same location. Roll for initiative.

**Ventus:** “Terra! Aqua! my friends!!”

**Aqua:** “Ven Terra my friends”

**Terra:** “Howdy”

* * *

**Narrator:** And, it goes down. Congratulations, everyone.

**Ventus:** i’m gonna high five my friends

**Terra:** Nice

**Aqua:** nice

**Ventus:** “also i have three lifetime passes to disney town lets go there”

**Aqua:** “my dude our teacher dad guy told me to bring you straight home”

**Terra:** “Also I have some suspicions about other shenanigans which may or may not be occurring right here and now that I would like to check out”

**Ventus:** :0

**Ventus:** “:(“

**Aqua:** “anyways Terra whats been going on with you”

**Aqua:** “keeping your darkness in check and shit”

**Terra:** “Yes but also I am very suspicious about you asking me this”

**Aqua:** “i dont understand”

**Terra:** “Are you like spying on me or something”

**Ventus:** “please do not be arguing or i  _ will _ interrupt you with some concerning news”

**Aqua:** “were not arguing were having an adult discussion”

**Ventus:** “i met Vanitas and apparently he’s like a whole bit of me”

**Terra:** “Oh shit”

**Aqua:** “Terra”

**Terra:** “Anyways Aqua I’m mad at you for spying on me or whatever”

**Aqua:** “i am not doing this thing”

**Terra:** “Is that so”

**Aqua:** “... yes”

**Ventus:** “please stop fighting :(”

**Terra:** I am leaving in a direction

**Aqua:** im leaving in a different direction

**Ventus:** _yall_

* * *

**Narrator:** So, what’s Terra up to?

**Terra:** Looking for Xehanort

**Terra:** Because apparently I trust that guy

**Narrator:** Cool, cool. You hear a voice say “You must be Terra.”

**Terra:** Whom

**Narrator:** “This old man I kidnapped will not shut up about you”

**Terra:** “WHOM”

**Narrator:** [braig.png]

**Narrator:** This man is talking to you.

**Terra:** Thanks but like who did he kidnap

**Terra:** There are at least three old men in this time period

**Narrator:** “Xehanort, or whoever the fuck. I kidnapped him.”

**Terra:** “I have no reason to believe you’re capable of that”

**Narrator:** “That’s not  _ my _ problem. If you don’t want to believe me, he can stay kidnapped.”

**Terra:** “Why would you even kidnap him in the first place”

**Narrator:** “Because I’m, like, evil and shit. If you want to get anything done, go underneath the outer gardens.”

**Terra:** “No seriously dude why you need some sort of character motive  _ please _ ”

**Narrator:** He’s leaving.

**Terra:** Does he really have Master Xehanort held captive

**Aqua:** wouldnt it solve all the future problems if we left him there

**Narrator:** _@Terra_ You know what you’re going to have to roll to figure that out. _@Aqua_ I’m not going to fuck over the timeline like that.

**Ventus:** that’s the problem with prequels ig

**Terra:** I’d have to roll insight huh

**Narrator:** Yup.

**Terra:** You know I think I will just check

**Aqua:** [itsatrap.png]

* * *

**Ventus:** so this kids being attacked by unversed??

**Narrator:** Yes.

**Ventus:** and Aqua met Kairi and stuff already right

**Narrator:** Yes.

**Ventus:** this isn’t gonna be some plot twisty “this kid is Sora” thing is it

**Narrator:** No. He’s a bit older than Sora would be at this point. His name is Ienzo.

**Ventus:** what’s he look like

**Narrator:** [ienzo.png]

**Ventus:** baby Zexion????????

* * *

**Narrator:** Terra, you arrive at the place under the Outer Gardens. Master Xehanort is chained limply to a pillar.

**Terra:** Oh shit is this kidnapping fellow the real bad guy all along who is responsible for every problem

**Ventus:** he looks like Xigbar

**Aqua:** the file name of the image Dane sent us had the same name conventions to Xigbar as Roxas/Sora as well

**Terra:** Xigbar is responsible for all our problems

**Terra:** Every last one of them

**Terra:** I ran out of milk this morning and it was Xigbars fault

**Aqua:** Xigbar drank the milk

**Narrator:** Anyways, Braig says “This dude is really good at getting beaten up! However, I am very good at beating people up.”

**Terra:** “Dude what the fuck”

**Narrator:** “I want one of those keyblade things so I can somehow be even better at beating people up.”

**Terra:** “ _ Dude _ ”

**Narrator:** “Now, according to that old guy I beat up, you’re super good at this. So if I beat  _ you _ up, theoretically I get one.”

**Terra:** “That is seriously not how this works”

**Narrator:** Braig says “Fuck you.” Roll for initiative.

**Ventus:** kick his ass!!!

* * *

**Terra:** I am not liking where my HP is at right now

**Aqua:** Braigs gonna kill him and throw Xehanort into his body

**Terra:** I would prefer it if that did not happen

**Terra:** Is there something I could do to make that not happen

**Narrator:** You’ve got darkness.

**Terra:** I do

**Ventus:** my guy that darkness is the whole reason you’re not a jedi knight right now

**Terra:** My alternative is to get really really lucky on my next few dice rolls

**Aqua:** thats not a good alternative

**Ventus:** yeah do the darkness thing

**Terra:** I do the darkness thing

**Narrator:** You took out Braig’s eye with your darkness blast.

**Ventus:** Xigbar!!!!

**Narrator:** Xehanort is now also free and saying words.

**Terra:** “I succumbed to darkness and I am very not proud of that”

**Narrator:** Xehanort says “Eraqus succumbed to light, which is not better.”

**Terra:** Hm

**Terra:** “I can’t go home now”

**Narrator:** Xehanort offers to train you.

**Terra:** _Hm_

**Aqua:** do you want to take the risk that we were right about Xehanort the first time

**Terra:** It seems narratively interesting so yes

**Narrator:** Cool. Xehanort’s going off about balance now.

**Terra:** Okay Yoda

**Narrator:** Also he’s telling telling you to kill Vanitas

**Aqua:** i wanted to do that

**Ventus:** he’s Ven’s brother thoguh!!

**Ventus:** can’t we just redeem him

**Aqua:** he tried to kill Ven i think we can kill him

**Ventus:** :(

**Terra:** We’ll beat him up and see where it goes from there

**Ventus:** acceptable

* * *

**Narrator:** Welcome to Destiny Islands. You see children.

**Terra:** They are Sora and Riku

**Narrator:** Yes.

**Terra:** I will give Riku a keyblade and swear him to secrecy kicking off everything relevant that’s happened outside this arc

**Narrator:** Cool.

* * *

**Ventus:** i! am! at! the graves!

**Narrator:** Yes.

**Ventus:** is! my boy! Mickey! here!

**Narrator:** No.

**Narrator:** Do you want to know who  _ is _ here?

**Ventus:** no

**Narrator:** It’s Xehanort. Xehanort’s here.

**Ventus:** 1-800-did-i-ask

**Narrator:** He says “Ventus. You and Vanitas exist to fight and form the χ-blade.”

**Ventus:** “i don’t wanna???”

**Narrator:** “Well, too bad. Eraqus  _ should  _ have warned you, but guess what he did not do? That.”

**Aqua:** [itsatrap.gif]

**Terra:** Okay I’m back from my snack break what’d I miss

**Terra:** Oh shit

* * *

**Narrator:** “Terra, Eraqus is going to kill Ventus.”

**Terra:** [isthatreal.png]

**Narrator:** “I get it sounds like a stretch, but I am 100% serious right now. Besides, no harm in checking, right?”

**Aqua:** plenty of harm if hes saying that

**Terra:** “Alright I am checking but if this is fake then it is in very poor taste”

**Narrator:** “I am aware.”

* * *

**Aqua:** so where is Mickey anyhow

**Narrator:** He’s in the lanes between. You find him floating unconscious and all that.

**Aqua:** oh shit wheres his keydad

**Narrator:** He trains with Yen Sid, who I will implore you  _ never  _ to refer to in such a way again.

* * *

**Ventus:** “hey are these true things and if so why were they secret true things???”

**Narrator:** He’s…  _ gonna _ try to kill you over you knowing these things.

**Terra:** What the fuck

* * *

**Terra:** What the  _ FUCK _

**Terra:** “What the fuck you killed him”

**Narrator:** “Surprise, I’m evil.”

**Aqua:** literally nobody is surprised by this except for Terra Terra

**Terra:** “You killed my fucking dad or whatever he is”

**Narrator:** “I could never have done it without  _ you _ , Terra.”

**Terra:** “Fuck you”

**Narrator:** “Come to the keyblade graveyard. Also I will be killing your friends.”

**Narrator:** Then he unleashes the darkness and absolutely wrecks the Land of Departure as he leaves.

**Terra:** I

**Terra:** I suppose I will be

**Terra:** Taking my

**Aqua:** dont

**Terra:** I will be taking my departure

**Aqua:** DAMNIT

* * *

**Aqua:** so what are we up to with bladefather Yen Sid

**Narrator:** I

**Aqua:** :)

**Narrator:** Fuck you.

**Narrator:** Yen Sid has received news of Eraqus’ death via his divination capabilities. He also knows that Terra and Ventus are going to the keyblade graveyard.

**Aqua:** gonna die huh

**Aqua:** “well id better head out someones gotta save them from whatever horrendous fate xehanort has planned”

**Narrator:** Yen Sid warns you, saying “He might also have a horrendous fate planned for you.”

**Aqua:** “well thats his personal problem”

* * *

**Ventus:** “hey everyone”

**Ventus:** “been a bit since we’ve all gottent ogether”

**Aqua:** “yeah whats up”

**Terra:** “Master Eraqus is dead and I’m pretty sure that’s my fault”

**Aqua:** “bruh”

**Narrator:** It’s around this point that Xehanort and Vanitas show up.

**Terra:** “It may be kind of my fault that Eraqus is dead but do you know whose fault it also is”

**Ventus:** “Xehanort?”

**Aqua:** “Xehanort”

**Terra:** “Yeah it’s Xehanort”

* * *

**Ventus:** :000000 dude!!!!

**Narrator:** He’s the bad guy, that’s what he does.

**Ventus:** he froze my boy!!!!

**Ventus:** he dropped my boy!!!!!!!!

**Aqua:** im gonna catch ur boy

**Narrator:** Roll acrobatics.

**Aqua:** /roll 1d20+5

**Dice Dice Baby:** Rolled  _ 10 _ \+  _ 5 _ !  _ 15 _ !

**Terra:** Wow

**Aqua:** proficiencey babey

**Narrator:** You catch the boy. Also, on an unrelated note, Braig is here, and he looks significantly mroe like Xigbar.

**Aqua:** mroe

**Ventus:** mroe

**Narrator:** Stop.

**Terra:** Mroe

**Narrator:** I hate all of you.

* * *

**Terra:** The issue here is that Xehanort is fighting me personally

**Narrator:** That’s the issue?

**Terra:** You’ve been letting me skip dice rolls if I use darkness powers, which has been awfully convenient but also a little bit suspicious.

**Narrator:** Is it?

**Terra:** And Xehanort has been encouraging the darkness powers

**Narrator:** Has he?

**Terra:** You are not helping my decision making process Dane

**Narrator:** I’m not?

**Aqua:** :|

**Narrator:** Sorry.

**Terra:** So either I use the darkness and risk falling into an evil scheme trap or I don’t and risk rolling really badly

**Ventus:** that’s not a good position to be in

**Aqua:** no

**Narrator:** Okay, I’m not gonna push you in either direction, but please be very clear to me when you’re solid on your decision.

**Terra:** Ok

**Narrator:** Do you want to start the combat now, and decide after a bit of seeing how you do?

**Terra:** That’d be great thank you

* * *

**Aqua:** why do evil bad guys always have to be so good at beating people up

**Ventus:** lots of practice

**Aqua:** why dont we have that

**Ventus:** ethics

**Aqua:** oh yeah thatd do it

* * *

**Narrator:** Okay, so, Ventus’ fight with Vanitas is moving into his heart.

**Ventus:** mine or his??

**Narrator:** Yes.

**Narrator:** Your hearts are mushing back together.

**Aqua:** please never say the word ‘mushing’ again

**Narrator:** Stop coming up with variations of “keydad” then.

**Aqua:** killjoy

* * *

**Terra:** I believe it is uh

**Terra:** Darkness time

**Narrator:** Darkness time?

**Terra:** Darkness time

**Narrator:** Great.

**Narrator:** Make a wisdom saving throw.

**Terra:** You planned this

**Narrator:** That is literally my job.

* * *

**Narrator:** Vanitas takes off his mask. Let me grab the picture.

**Ventus:** Roxas???????

**Terra:** It’s Roxas

**Aqua:** Rooooooxaaaaaaaaas

**Narrator:** [unmaskedv.png]

**Ventus:** SORA??????????

* * *

**Ventus:** what is with your characters and getting possessed two of them have done this now

**Aqua:** are we sure xemnas wasnt possessed

**Aqua:** i mean

**Aqua:** jsut because we didnt see it happen

**Ventus:** oh tru

**Terra:** I’m pretty sure Dane just has a thing for mind control

**Narrator:** Oh, fuck you.

**Terra:** No

**Terra:** What was the result of my last hit there

**Narrator:** Your Lingering Will has defeated Xehanort. It is satisfied, and kneels to rest. You don’t get unpossessed.

**Terra:** Damn

**Terra:** Buy me dinner if it’s gonna be like that

**Narrator:** You are an asshole.

* * *

**Ventus:** so im just unconscious forever now huh

**Narrator:** Ventus’ heart has travelled along the connection it formed when it was first damaged, and has come to rest in the heart of a smaller boy.

**Terra:** Roxas

**Narrator:** NO!!

**Narrator:** Roxas doesn’t exist yet!!

**Aqua:** its Ienzo

**Narrator:** It’s  _ Sora _ .

**Ventus:** ooooooohhhhhhh

* * *

**Aqua:** im taking Vens unconscious form to see Mickey and his kenotou

**Narrator:** I have no idea what you said, but I know exactly what you said, and I hate it.

**Narrator:** Find somewhere safe to put him and go fight Terranort

* * *

**Aqua:** YU!

**Aqua:** GI!

**Aqua:** OH!

**Narrator:** I am sobbing into my hands, Brook.

* * *

**Narrator:** And with that, this arc is done.

**Narrator:** Ventus is yeeted, Aqua is yeeted, Terra is possessed and will become the seeker of darkness and also Xemnas.

**Narrator:** When are Jean and Mal getting back?

**Terra:** End of the semester

**Aqua:** my homeworks starting to hit hard and i still have to get my lab hours in so idk if i can play for a hot minute either

**Narrator:** Alright. Should we take a recess?

**Terra:** Who else am I going to talk to

**Ventus:** what about your friend Lorraine?

**Terra:** Lorraine has taken on a night schedule

**Terra:** Like some sort of eel

**Ventus:** are eels nocturnal??

**Terra:** Aren’t they

**Aqua:** you three could do a small side campaign thing

**Aqua:** Dane just introduced the mark of mastery yall could have Sora and Riku study for that

**Narrator:** Maybe. We’ll have to break for a least a week if I’m going to plan a campaign for two, though.

**Ventus:** sounds fun though!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of rushed the finish of this because I have something I need to tell you all. I have a mutual friend with someone named Cairn (pronounced like Karen). I am suffering.
> 
> Also I decided fuck it next is Dream Drop Distance it's easier to navigate one person out of frame than navigate three people out, two of them again.


	10. Interlude: I could probably take this setting and make an original story, except that I'm already writing so many things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick, Tai, and Brook discuss eels, coffee, and math. Jean wants to go back to bed. Malcom realizes the truth behind Hallmark movies. Dane learns that superpowers are real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I wasn't intending to write Malcoms scene the way it came out, but it's practically unedited. It was just. there

“Eels  _ are _ nocturnal!” Rick declared, running up to the table where Tai was sitting and sliding his phone with the google results in front of his friend.

Tai looked at the screen, and shrugged. “Huh,” He said. “So they are.”

“Oi, Rick,” Brook said. “You’re here. Check my numbers.” She tossed a notebook at him, scribbling furiously in a different one.

“Brook, you know I charge for that,” Rick said.

“I could say something mean about that, but I will not,” Brook said. “Because I am a good friend.”

“Because you want a discount,” Rick said.

She blew a raspberry that was  _ probably _ meant for him, but he couldn’t really be sure on account of her not looking up.

“Tell you what,” Rick said. “Get me coffee, and I’ll check your math.”

“Tai, if you pay him, I’ll pay you back when I have hands,” Brook said.

“With interest,” Tai said. “Extra cent per day, starting at ten cents.”

“That’s not how interest works,” Rick said.

“This doesn’t concern you,” Brook said.

“Doesn’t it?” Rick folded his hands.

“I know this isn’t how interest normally works, but this is how we’re working it,” Tai said.

“I accept your terms,” Brook said.

“Cool,” Tai said, standing. “Come on, Rick. Let’s get you coffee.”

\---

“I’m telling you,” Jean said. “It’s a raccoon or something. I want to sleep, we have realtors coming by tomorrow.”

“No, listen,” Their brother insisted.

Silence.

The sound of something scratching on wood.

  
“That sounds like monsters, Jean,” He said.

“You know what else it sounds like?” They said. “Raccoons.”

A low wail sounded from the attic.

“Does  _ that _ sound like raccoons?” Their brother asked, a little smug despite his fear.

Jean considered that. “It’ll go away by morning,” They said. “We can dump salt up there then and see if it helps tomorrow night.”

“You want to ignore this.”

“Yes.”

“This is how middle class, nuclear, white families die in horror movies.”

“No,” Jean said. “Middle class, nuclear, white families in horror movies die when they poke the monster unprepared. Go to bed so you don’t get, like, possessed or something.”

“If the monster eats us, I’m blaming you,” Their brother sighed.

“Not if I blame you first,” They said.

“That’s not how that works.”

“That is  _ absolutely _ how that works.”

\---

Malcom took a sip from his drink and glanced to the realtor he’d somehow ended up saving next year’s Christmas with in February. “So Santa’s real, huh?”

“Isn’t it magical?” She said.

“Santa’s real, and he lives in a small town at a 45 degree latitude,” Malcom said. “Not precisely what I think of when I hear the words ‘North Pole’.” He held his drink in front of him with both hands, like a ward against what might be to come.

“Don’t you  _ get _ it, Mal?” She asked. “The North Pole is  _ magic _ ! It’s in our  _ hearts _ !’

“Okay, first of all,” Malcom said. “Only my girlfriend and my dungeons and dragons group have nickname privileges. Second of all, even  _ they  _ have to put them through an approval process, so I don’t see why you thought you could get away with just calling me something without preamble. Third, if I have to deal with one more ‘this physical location is in your heart’ talk in my entire life, I think I will have heart failure from all the physical locations that are evidently hanging out there.”

She pouted. “Even after we saved Christmas, you’re still such a downer.”

“Eh,” Malcom said. “Christmas isn’t really that important of an event in my life.”

The realtor stepped up to him, rising onto the tips of her toes. “Maybe that can change.”

He stepped back. “Did you not hear the part about me having a girlfriend? I think I’ve mentioned her seventeen times today.”

She blinked at him without comprehension.

“Do you… only exist within the context of a Hallmark movie?”

Still no understanding.

Malcom began to sweat nervously. “Anyways,” He said. “I’m gonna head back to town. Gotta finalize the sale.”

“You’re still selling?” She asked, following after him. “But  _ Santa Claus _ lives in this town!”

“Yes,” Malcom said. “He evidently does, and I’m still selling. If I wasn’t, you would have no reason to be here. Actually, I might call your boss to get you swapped out if you hit on me again.”

“Wha-- But--” She stammered. “Why wouldn’t you want to live in the same town as  _ Santa _ ?”

“I don’t celebrate Christmas,” Malcom said. “And this town’s always been a little too idyllic for me. Shocking amount of people come back to sell inherited houses, fall in love somehow, and end up staying to have 2.3 kids and never leave town again. Not really my scene, you know? I’ve got a girlfriend and a marine biology degree to get back to.”

They walked back to town, back to the house they had almost closed the deal on.

There was a note on the door. The buyers had backed out.

“Oh, what a shame,” The realtor said, hands on his arm. “You’re going to have to stay longer to snag another buyer.”

He brushed her hands off. He felt tired.

Something in his brain screamed. He’d seen the weariness in his mother’s face, when he’d lived in this house, like someone living with an intestinal parasite stealing the nutrients from the meals she ate and the body she lived in.

She’d been sick. She’d just been sick.

The realtor took her position on the other side of him, and now that he was paying attention he could  _ feel _ her draining him.

His mind was clouding up. Didn’t he  _ want _ to stay?

He staggered away from her, and she looked at him with a pretense of confusion.

“That wasn’t Santa,” He breathed. “You’re not a realtor.”

She blinked at him, surprise overtaking the rest of her expression. “How did you--” She began. “No one’s ever--”

“What are you?” He asked.

She grinned. It wasn’t a pleasant expression. “Holiday spirit!” She said, too gleefully.

\---

“What is wrong with this scene?” Evan asked, arms crossed.

Dane and Ian looked at each other.

“Nothing,” Dane suggested. “The kitchen is perfectly fine.”

“Is it?” Evan asked, moving to stand next to the refrigerator.

“Yes,” Ian said.

Evan moved to open the refrigerator, failing on account of the plastic wrap that covered it. “ _ Is it? _ ”

“Couldn’t be better,” Dane said.

Ian nodded. “Best I’ve ever seen it.”

Evan sighed. “How, precisely, are we intended to eat?”

“You haven’t developed the ability to phase your limbs through solid matter and extend that capacity to other organic materials?” Ian asked. Then he turned to Dane. “Look at  _ this _ loser, still bound by the laws of physical space.”

“Seriously, and he calls himself your brother.” Dane shook his head. “The nerve of some people.”

“Alright,” Evan said, smugly. “Why don’t you take something out of the fridge, then?”

Ian shrugged. “Okay, boomer.”

“I’m not--” Evan began, but cut off as Ian pulled a carton of eggs out of the fridge.

“Oh,” Dane said. “I thought we were joking around. Did you have another lab accident, or did this happen on it’s own?”

Ian shrugged. “I’ve been thinking of becoming a supervillain, but money isn’t organic.”

“I guess you’ll just have to stick with college, and not risking arrest for theft and/or money laundering.” Dane said. “C’est la vie.”

“La vie,” Ian said.

“Besides, there’s that vigilante around,” Evan said. “You could get hurt.”

“He’s solid,” Ian said.

“True,” Dane said.

“Hey, anyone want an omelette?” Ian asked. “I already got the eggs out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure whether to commit to actual superpowers or just one guy who is buff dressing up in a costume doing shenanigans, but it was for the joke. I had to.
> 
> Hallmark movies are spirit propaganda to prime you to leave your life in the city for a pleasant small town where Santa lives so they can subsist off of your stolen life force.


End file.
